The perks of being an alcoholic

Gayly update: the road of the gay is a hard one to walk.

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I went to a goukon (group date with equal numbers of both sexes) the other day. Many Japanese people meet their future significant others at goukons. Not that I was looking for my significant other. It was on my ‘to do list’. So when I was asked. I just had to do it. I have to confess that this event wasn’t very homosexual. But in my defence, my friend needed to fill seats, and I’m a good seat filler.

After one too many tequilas, I couldn’t stop laughing. So one dashing young man asked why I am so genki (cheerful / energetic). And I said ‘I don’t know, because of happiness.’ But my very Japanese, and very drunk friend thought she heard, ‘because of a penis.’ Luckily, their English was limited to hello and how are you? But my friend was friendly enough to translate it for them. Thus I became the pervert that likes peni.

If there was ever a point when I should’ve stopped drinking. I think that was it. Tequila hangovers are the worse. Never again! That’s what I said but I found myself doing body shots from some random guy’s belly button the following Saturday again. I’d never admit this to my mom but I think that I’ve become an alcoholic. Since coming to Japan, I find that I drink more. Thus my tolerance level has gone up over the last few years. I’ve powered up so much that I’m practically Super Saiyan.

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When I first arrived in Japan one of my colleagues asked me if I was an avid drinker. At that time, I wouldn’t say that I liked or disliked it, and that’s what I told him. He said something that I’ll never forget, “there is nothing to do in this place. By the time you leave Japan, you will be an alcoholic.” I laughed thinking it would never happen to me. Present day: my fridge is stocked with beer, chuhais and wine. Just in case, I feel like one or the other. And when I’m running low, I can make a quick konbini run. In Japan, alcohol is readily available everywhere and at all hours. I love Japan, I really do.

Going home for Christmas was a real hoot!! I was sober for four days. A new record for me. On the fifth day, I was climbing the walls. My body didn’t understand what was going on… Where was its usual dose of alcohol? A shot or a beer would do. After a few drinks, I realized that I started to enjoy the company of my family more. See, alcohol brings families togezza.

There is so much rightness with being an alcoholic in Japan. 1. You’ll never be bored 2. You’ll sleep really well at night. On most nights anyway. 3. When things go badly at work, knowing that there is a cold beer waiting in your fridge really helps you get through the day. Your views on most issues will always clash, as a westerner you want to take a direct approach to solve problems whereas the Japanese way is through hierarchical discussions and documentation. Which is quite frustrating when the answer is simple: just do it my way?

4. Enkais, office drinking parties. Pouring drinks for your colleagues and bosses. Paying x amount for an all you can drink. Westerners can only dream of this. At these parties my colleagues get ugly drunk, they transform into creatures I’d never seen before. What happened to sweet natured Tanaka san, or my stoic buchou? Sigh. The shit that goes down at an enkai should stay at the enkai. My colleagues are always so surprised that I’m exactly the same person at work and at enkais. They always tell me that I’m a strong drinker. Bitches, I ain’t strong. I just refuse to show my true colours so ya’ll be talking about how crazy the foreigner was acting at the enkai on Monday. Nah ah… not on my watch.

5. Nomihoudais, drink as much as you like for a set amount for two hours. Yes, I be throwing those drinks back like they be lemonade. Booya!! This is why nomihoudais wouldn’t work because we can’t drink at an appropriate pace. Most restaurants offer all you can’t drink for two hours for a set price, and this is the time that I let loose. And go to the dark side— where I’m a sex kitten. Kkkkkk

what i think i look like when i’m drunk dancing:

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Reality:

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Do you really need a reason to drink? Back home we find excuses to party. So I find reasons to drink. I learnt a new Japanese word. Party time! I didn’t fuck up at work today.  Let’s party! The sun is shining. Yay! It’s my birthday!!! I might have moved countries but my reasons are still the same except now when I come home to an empty apartment it is enough of a reason to start drinking. Because I’m a grown up, bitch!!

Fun fact: a bad bottle of wine will not make your pasta taste better. Your pasta will just end up tasting like bad wine.

There are perks to becoming an alcoholic. You become more social, you become an amazing singer, and it makes you feel uber sexy. What’s wrong with drinking alcohol? I find the answers to most of life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle of wine. Although, alcoholism really gets in the way of gayism. When I’m intoxicated all I wanna do is have some sexism. I really should cut down on the drinking but then again, if I did, South and I would have nothing to laugh about.

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Going out with a Bang

I recently put up a Facebook status and an ex-princess of mine from University days commented on it. Her comment was “lol”.

Why do people do this?????????

In pretty irrelevant news, I finally met my neighbour Museum. The guy who’s been living in the apartment under mine for the past two years, whom I thought was the boyfriend of another neighbour. I remember saying to someone, “Wow, one of my neighbours has a really hot boyfriend! He keeps visiting! I see him sometimes coming to the apartment!” Little did I know he actually lived there. FAIL.

Anyways, we had an apartment nomikai (飲み会). Nomikai means drinking party and it’s what Japanese people do to let loose off all you can eat/drink. So I pitched up and recognized the very strapping young man seated at the table was the elusive Museum.

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Like this

So he works at a Museum – yes there are reasons for these weird nicknames. I was trying very hard to be gay, and I think North would have been proud of me. I ended up sitting with Museum’s elderly boss who showed me pictures of stray cats all evening. Museum caught me staring maybe twice. Luckily he was really drunk and probably didn’t think anything of it. Any girl with half a brain would have gone over to him and made chingus, but I didn’t. I looked at cats and commented about how delicious everything was.

Actually I really, really dislike cats.

Moving on… my northern chingu and I are going to Seoul for Golden Week. Golden Week is a string of public holidays that make up a whole week of fun times. I’ve been to Seoul once and can’t say I was as impressed as North was. I linger mostly in Busan, a city which I feel is super underrated. However, my Seoul experience was with Princess, and kind of sucked except for eating cheap hotdogs on the street at 2am. I don’t know what exactly were in those hotdogs, but I went with it and it was like a unicorn had pooped joy into a bread roll.

Um, ja, you know you were having issues when the most memorable thing about one of the most famous cities in Asia was a hotdog. So I’m willing to give Seoul another go. However, if you were following recent news, North Korea decided to declare nuclear war on South Korea and the US and whatnot. Again. This was a bit disturbing for people who have not been used to such things. In South Africa we couldn’t be bothered about nuclear war, whether it affects us or not. Seriously, we have our own stuff to deal with. Now living in Asia, it’s like eish! Our neighbours want to kill us!

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Suddenly this looks a lot more sinister

Koreans I spoke to about it really don’t give a shit. They’ve kind of taken a “well I’d like to see you try, nerds” approach. I did worry about this just a bit, but what to do? I used to brag about my close proximity to Korea while living in the comfy cocoon that is Japan. Now it’s a bit awkward. North mentioned that if anything were to happen, Japan would be pretty fucked too. So it got me thinking about stuff.

Would it be weird, knowing that you were going to die, blatantly propositioning someone into having fun and possibly sexy times with you? Especially in Seoul, the number one target location? If I were to die in Seoul, I’d want to have soju in one hand and delicious chicken in the other. You know, or go out with a…bang. Yes. Make what you will of that. Surely the guy in question wouldn’t protest, I mean no one wants to die on the toilet or picking their nose. No. We want to enjoy. And if given the choice, I’m sure some people will think why not. Right?

Also we have one more Gayday left. Look how time flies. It was just the other day were were new to the gay world, confused, looking for clarity…and now we have grown in so many ways. It was kind of like doing an internship or something. Now we’re breaking free of the cocoon as we embark on our Golden Seoul trip, with a new perspective and wiser than before.

OK, maybe not…we’re still the same, maybe slightly more pathetic. I really wish I were gay. Now I just realised that my standards have lowered considerably and I make excuses for everything.

Anyway we’re not really going to do anything stupid (I hope) like driving a car off a cliff. But hopefully have something good to write about when we come back.

Or if…. (jk haha…)

またね!