The perks of being an alcoholic

Gayly update: the road of the gay is a hard one to walk.

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I went to a goukon (group date with equal numbers of both sexes) the other day. Many Japanese people meet their future significant others at goukons. Not that I was looking for my significant other. It was on my ‘to do list’. So when I was asked. I just had to do it. I have to confess that this event wasn’t very homosexual. But in my defence, my friend needed to fill seats, and I’m a good seat filler.

After one too many tequilas, I couldn’t stop laughing. So one dashing young man asked why I am so genki (cheerful / energetic). And I said ‘I don’t know, because of happiness.’ But my very Japanese, and very drunk friend thought she heard, ‘because of a penis.’ Luckily, their English was limited to hello and how are you? But my friend was friendly enough to translate it for them. Thus I became the pervert that likes peni.

If there was ever a point when I should’ve stopped drinking. I think that was it. Tequila hangovers are the worse. Never again! That’s what I said but I found myself doing body shots from some random guy’s belly button the following Saturday again. I’d never admit this to my mom but I think that I’ve become an alcoholic. Since coming to Japan, I find that I drink more. Thus my tolerance level has gone up over the last few years. I’ve powered up so much that I’m practically Super Saiyan.

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When I first arrived in Japan one of my colleagues asked me if I was an avid drinker. At that time, I wouldn’t say that I liked or disliked it, and that’s what I told him. He said something that I’ll never forget, “there is nothing to do in this place. By the time you leave Japan, you will be an alcoholic.” I laughed thinking it would never happen to me. Present day: my fridge is stocked with beer, chuhais and wine. Just in case, I feel like one or the other. And when I’m running low, I can make a quick konbini run. In Japan, alcohol is readily available everywhere and at all hours. I love Japan, I really do.

Going home for Christmas was a real hoot!! I was sober for four days. A new record for me. On the fifth day, I was climbing the walls. My body didn’t understand what was going on… Where was its usual dose of alcohol? A shot or a beer would do. After a few drinks, I realized that I started to enjoy the company of my family more. See, alcohol brings families togezza.

There is so much rightness with being an alcoholic in Japan. 1. You’ll never be bored 2. You’ll sleep really well at night. On most nights anyway. 3. When things go badly at work, knowing that there is a cold beer waiting in your fridge really helps you get through the day. Your views on most issues will always clash, as a westerner you want to take a direct approach to solve problems whereas the Japanese way is through hierarchical discussions and documentation. Which is quite frustrating when the answer is simple: just do it my way?

4. Enkais, office drinking parties. Pouring drinks for your colleagues and bosses. Paying x amount for an all you can drink. Westerners can only dream of this. At these parties my colleagues get ugly drunk, they transform into creatures I’d never seen before. What happened to sweet natured Tanaka san, or my stoic buchou? Sigh. The shit that goes down at an enkai should stay at the enkai. My colleagues are always so surprised that I’m exactly the same person at work and at enkais. They always tell me that I’m a strong drinker. Bitches, I ain’t strong. I just refuse to show my true colours so ya’ll be talking about how crazy the foreigner was acting at the enkai on Monday. Nah ah… not on my watch.

5. Nomihoudais, drink as much as you like for a set amount for two hours. Yes, I be throwing those drinks back like they be lemonade. Booya!! This is why nomihoudais wouldn’t work because we can’t drink at an appropriate pace. Most restaurants offer all you can’t drink for two hours for a set price, and this is the time that I let loose. And go to the dark side— where I’m a sex kitten. Kkkkkk

what i think i look like when i’m drunk dancing:

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Reality:

annoying-drunk-girls-1

Do you really need a reason to drink? Back home we find excuses to party. So I find reasons to drink. I learnt a new Japanese word. Party time! I didn’t fuck up at work today.  Let’s party! The sun is shining. Yay! It’s my birthday!!! I might have moved countries but my reasons are still the same except now when I come home to an empty apartment it is enough of a reason to start drinking. Because I’m a grown up, bitch!!

Fun fact: a bad bottle of wine will not make your pasta taste better. Your pasta will just end up tasting like bad wine.

There are perks to becoming an alcoholic. You become more social, you become an amazing singer, and it makes you feel uber sexy. What’s wrong with drinking alcohol? I find the answers to most of life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle of wine. Although, alcoholism really gets in the way of gayism. When I’m intoxicated all I wanna do is have some sexism. I really should cut down on the drinking but then again, if I did, South and I would have nothing to laugh about.

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