be my valentine: you can either play the game or run away

this is what i usually look like on february 14th

this is what i usually look like on february 14th

It’s the day before valentines day and I’m hyperventilating. i can just feel the bile rising. many people don’t want to participate in this archaic tradition. girls are given red roses, and some confess their love. it’s all just a ruse used to stroke our egos. i remember the looks on the faces of the girls that got red roses delivered to their classes on valentines day. superiority. that’s what they felt. because they knew that they were wanted.  and the rest of us would just sit there hoping that one rose would come our way. even while i was hiding behind a book i too wanted a rose. just like everyone else but wasn’t about to lose face in front of rose getting girls.

i wasn’t popular, i didn’t wear a short skirt. and in the looks department, i was average. even average girls would like to know that someone is thinking of her. but looking back on those high school days when i was trying to out grow puberty. i can’t say that i’ve ever really played the LOVE GAME. sorry lady gaga.

i’ve liked many boys and men over the years but i have to admit that i’m xx years old and i have yet to CONFESS my love to anyone. i thought that once you’ve hit twenty one you’d have fallen at least once once in love.

every other girl on valentines day

every other girl on valentines day

nope not me. i always have to be different. like salmon, i swim against the stream.

lets start at the very beginning.

first love: i was six when i first met david. he was fair, had green eyes and black hair. david wasn’t the tallest boy in class but he sure was the prettiest. I think from a very early age it was clear that i was superficial. he was like an angel walking on earth. most girls my age were very open about their feelings and vied for his attention. i chose to play in the sandbox. a few weeks before the school closed, the teacher told the class that david would be moving to a knew town. i was gutted. i couldn’t imagine coming to school and not being able to see him. he hugged every girl, saying goodbye to each of them.  but i was the only one to be kissed on the cheek. that was the first time i knew what it felt like to have my heart skip a beat.  even though i knew i wouldn’t see him again, i couldn’t admit my feelings or give him a proper goodbye.  i wouldn’t say that this is my biggest regret but i think it marked the beginning of my wimp years.

it was many years before i again dared to venture in the rough sea of love. this time i was 11. after my parents divorce. we relocated to a new town and i started going to a new school.  thats when i met sebastian. he had dark brown hair, intense brown almost black eyes, and vampiric canines. on valentines day, i discovered that he was the most popular boy in school. sebastian and his best friend Rob  would compete to see who would get the most love letters. for the entire day they would receive boxes upon boxes of love letters and cards from girls form different grades. rob was far more social than sebastian and friendlier. but it was sebastian’s silent beauty that made him irresistibly alluring. where rob was a flirt, sebastian was indifferent. no one knew who he liked but what i knew for sure is that he hated me.

what was an eleven year old to do when the boy she liked hated her guts and called her cactus butt (reference:lion king. it still doesn’t make sense to me) whenever the opportunity presented itself. there was only one thing left to do. make sure that he knew she hated him right back. when he said that he liked subzero from mortal combat, i’d snort and say subzero was boring. when he bought the latest bomber jacket. i snorted and told him that he looked stupid in it. he’d antagonised me when i played soccer with the boys during lunch, so i kicked the ball in his face. I’m not sure when our hate changed to mutual respect perhaps it was when i score that beautiful goal during a game against the seventh grade boys team or when i let him cheat off my test that time he forgot to study. by the end of primary school, i was closer to him than any other girl in our class. but even then i couldn’t confess. not when he shone so bright and i… well i was just me.

lets fast forward through high school… a time when i spent most of my time reading harry potter and fantasising about orlando bloom. there was only one boy worth mentioning. he wore a speedo during a swimming and that image will forever be burnt into my retina. when my friend tried to introduce him to me… i guess my fear of shaking hands with a speedo wearing god triggered my hypothalamus and sent me running!

not my proudest moment

not my proudest moment

i quickly learnt that in the LOVEGAME, i played to win. i couldn’t handle being around good-looking guys. they made my hypothalamus act up and sent me running for the hills. so i steered clear of anyone who made me react that way. it wasn’t the most mature choice but that was the only way i could survive. to run is to lose. and i planned to win. so i decided to look for guys that had ok-ish faces and seemed interesting enough to date.

the first was an older guy in one of my university classes. he wasn’t  good looking, and was too skinny for my taste. but it was clear by the end of our first year that he wouldn’t mind hooking up me. that relationship dragged on for two more years. both of us not fully committed but too insecure to leave. that was until i met my first boyfriend. he was ok looking. most importantly he was interested in me. and we had crazy sexual chemistry. but there was something missing. i didn’t know what it was but it was there. we broke up after a few months because i cheated on him and he was too embarrassed to introduce me him to his friends. these relationships were bound to end. yes, i wasn’t sitting at home in a towelling gown guzzling down a tub of ice cream. but i felt like at least i’d be able to feel something while watching a drama. instead of passing time in a boring relationship.

there was no passion.

some heavy petting does not count as passion.

love should burn like a fire.

those are famous words said by marianne. i know that marianne in sense and sensibility chased after willoughby and had her heart broken. but didn’t she get her happy ending? she got colonel brandon. (I’m for any ending where you can spend the rest of your life with alan rickman. he looks damn good in black). yes she was stupid for chasing after the wrong guy and making herself so sick that she almost died. but she had balls. falling in love is scary. you are baring your heart and you wont know if the other person will treat it carefully or just trample all over it. i know i don’t have the balls to bare my heart. thus leading to question: did i really win in dating ok guys? what is it to win?

i didn’t date anyone else after them. was it by choice? perhaps. and then i moved to japan. the land where men happily confessed to be hentais and only wanted to date cute girls. coming to japan i found out that its pretty easy to be left the fuck alone. guys are too scared of foreigners. i can only assume it because a) we aren’t as petite as japanese girls or b) they fear speaking english or c) their mating rituals are different from ours. maybe what they classify as wooing looks like the macarena to me. i was fine for a while. but i made one miscalculation. my bucket list…

i have no idea how ‘get a japanese boyfriend’ made it on my list beside ‘see miyajima shrine’, ‘go to a host club’, and ‘pretend to be a samurai in kyoto’. but it was there. after many failed attempts to get japanese guys’ attention. i went back to feigning ignorance. when a lovely man caught my eye.

well, hello!!

well, hello!!

he was funny, and would try to speak to me even though i struggled to speak japanese and his english was nonexistent. i liked how his cheeks would always turn rosy when he tried to speak english. and how he would gush over his niece and show me pictures of her. i liked looking at his broad back and fantastic ass. and that he’d always laugh when i greeted him by just saying ‘yo’ like a high school boy. i just wanted someone to perv on. someone to look forward to seeing but you can fall so easily without even being aware of it. before i knew it, i was dreaming of how he’d hold my hand. where we would go on our first date. and i wondered if he thought i was pretty.

it freaked me out a bit.

my hypothalamus was working in over drive again.

i needed to escape danger.

warning!

warning!

i wanted to run.

i really did but i wanted to get to know him more. i wanted to make him laugh. i wanted to see those cheeks flush every time i’d tease him. (that does sound a bit sadistic) i was over come with greed. a greed i had never known. i wanted it all. is this what it felt like to be IN LOVE? this idea of love almost made me laugh. it was so stupid. these feelings i had felt ridiculous. every time he said my name, my insides would freeze. the old me would say that i lost in this LOVEGAME. i didn’t know what to do with these feelings. i felt like ariel when she first realised that she no longer had a tail but two legs.

how do i use these?

how do i use these?

but before i learnt how to stand, the rug was pulled right out from under me. (sorry for the cheesy pun).

Sebastian, "Just look at her! On legs! On human legs!"

Sebastian, “Just look at her! On legs! On human legs!”

i forgot to ask the most important question before i dove head over heels.

and the answer is: yes.

yes, he has a girlfriend.

of course someone as wonderful as him has a gf. she knew him. he laughed at her jokes. I’m sure his cheeks flushed whenever he looked at her. and she had it all. the way hollywood describes being heartbroken, i thought it would feel more broken. maybe even it would make a weird cracking noise. thats what i thought. my heart didn’t feel broken. more hollow. like there was a gaping hole in my chest where the wind would blow reminding me that nothing was there.

one can’t really describe heartbreak. twilight tried to do it by showing bella sitting at a window as the seasons passed her by.

bella just looks constipated to me

bella just looks constipated to me

i wish heartache felt like that. if any imagery could describe what it feels like to be heartbroken, i would say it felt like being a wounded dog struggling to get up. blood gushing form your chest, as it dragged its battered leg trying to find some place safe to rest. falling out of love does feel like you’re about to die. but every morning you wake up and realise that you’re still alive. one day you wake up and realise that it doesn’t hurt as much. someday in the not so distant future you look across the table and think: why didn’t i notice you before? do i like you? you won’t know. but he presents possibility. it could lead to something wonderful or to a little more heartache. i don’t know how i feel just yet. the important thing is that i am here. a little more battered than before. maybe you will try to be brave and give him handmade chocolates. even though you don’t believe in valentines day.

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S & N: Tipi pitching worthy Asian guys ft Ryan Gosling

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It’s safe to assume that South and I are deprived women. There are no available men around us. I recently was introduced to a marginally good looking guy that was funny and charming. Girl, I pitched a tipi so hard. In that moment all I could think about were all the things I’d like to do to him. That was until I was introduced to his gf— the Japanese version of Barbie. And so I kept walking like Johnny Walker. Na mean.

It really sucks that there aren’t any guys worth perving on in our offices. Alas, we have to settle for pitching tipis on

this…

i recently discovered this hottie in 2am… who knew?

i recently discovered this hottie in 2am… who knew?

and this…

there is always time for bang to feed you chocolate… always

i’m hungry

feed-me

Who are we to complain? There are people out there that are equally as deprived as we are that do not have access to the internet. First world problems. eish

Have you seen Rolling stone’s hottest sex symbols list yet?

guess who made the list!!!!

guess who made the list!!!!

How does Rolling Stone even know about T.O.P.? Is it April fool’s day already? In my opinion, he’s the hottest man alive. But whenever they’ve compiled these hottest men alive lists, all the men tend to be American and very much Caucasian. I’m not trying to be controversial by insinuating that there is a certain degree of racial bias when compiling these lists. I’m just stating the facts. They rarely have Asian or black men on these lists.

not cool…not cool at all!!!

not cool…not cool at all!!!

So we’ve decided to compile our own list.

be warned: panties could possibly drop on their own accord, or uncontrollable tipi pitching may occur.

be warned: panties could possibly drop on their own accord, or uncontrollable tipi pitching may occur.

Ryan Gosling(actor/ a man that every woman alive would die to marry)

itadakimasu

itadakimasu

Why hasn’t he been announced as the hottest man alive? Have you not seen crazy stupid love? I’m so confused!!! And so is South? The world may not know the guys on our list but bloody hell!!!! Ryan is the hottest guy in North America. Come now, you need to get on it this year. There can only be two reasons that Ryan isn’t number one on your list. First, you’re jealous. Second, you have no interested in men. Both of these reasons would lead anyone to the conclusion that you are not qualified to make any hottest men alive list… ever!!!!

Ukwon(Block B dancer/ eye candy)

nom nom nom

…  …   ….nom nom nom

I don’t know… I don’t know… but I’m hot. You know what… you know what… you know what I mean. oh yes we do. Fffffaaaaaq!! He’s hot. I’m not sure how many times I’ve watched the nalina video. I’m sure I’m responsible for at least a million views of that vid on youtube. I love him. When Block B went through all that shit with their former management and there were rumours of their break up. I was heartbroken. I thought I would never see his face ever again. That’s sad. That was until a few months ago when they made an ACTUAL comeback with “very good”. Okaeri. I literally died when he took off his clown mask in the very good MV. Thank you for coming back Block B. We missed you.

Osamu Mukai(Japanese actor: Hungry!!!, Paradise Kiss and Beck)

ek is nou honger

ek is nou honger

The first Japanese man to make my vajayjay go BOOOM. I remember when I first arrived in Japan. The ladies in my office could not shut up about this guy. I was like who is he? What does he do? Can I see a picture? They showed me a picture and I was like. I’ve seen hotter. I’m not sure if there was something in the water or if he brain washed me while I was watching atashinichi no danshi, but I am hooked. He has the nicest lips, and his smile… A girl could lose all sense of control if she ever saw that in person. Please don’t start a music career. That would instantly kill my tipi. My only negative is that I want to call him oppa. Oniisan sounds too creepy. Oppa, saranghe!!!

2PM(strippers/idols/fallen angels)

                            they shouldn't wear anything            ever

they shouldn’t wear anything ever

So far I’ve only mentioned individuals but there is no way I can have a sexy list and not include 2PM. It’s like some people not making Ryan number one. You just don’t do that. Can you believe that South just discovered how hot these guys were like two weeks ago. While hunting for kpop goods in koreatown she was like… is it just me or is 2PM hot?” I was like. Are you serious? I pitch tipis for these guys all the time. Every single member in this group has a hot body. I loved south’s reaction after she saw the A.D.T.O.Y music video. She was like: they should stop singing and just be strippers. I’m sorry but we need to raise the roof and give JYP a pat on the back. That was the best decision anyone had ever made in the kpop industry. Singing strippers. Genius.

CNU(B1A4’s rapper/ bespectacled hot man)

and i die...

and i die…

Add some spectacles to a face of an angel and you have a Molotov cocktail. This guy is dynamite. So hot! Did you see the teaser clip for baby goodnight? Don’t! my eyes rolled back, and when I came too, I was on the floor with a huge knob on the back of my head. I wish that this face to wish me goodnight. every night!! I’ll just need to purchase a padded apartment.

(sorry i couldn’t find the eng sub)

Lee Joon(MBLAQ’s dancer/leg raiser)

can i lick the rain off your face?

“Oh Joon”. I feel like Oprah after she watched Australia. When she was totally crushing on Hugh Jackman, “oh Hugh”. We all knew that Oprah was pitching a major tipi for Hugh Jackman. I have to admit that I was pretty late to the Lee Joon party. I thought he had a nice face but that was it. Until I watched an MBLAQ interview on youtube. A fan wrote in to the show and asked him to do a dance move or something. And the next thing I know he’s lifting his leg in the air, with his hand holding his foot in the air.

(skip the interview… go to 03:15)

He was as flexible as a cat. I hate cats but that foot in the air did something to me. I started having feelings down south. Na mean. Talk about tipi-ing so hard that your nose bleeds.

Ki Kwang(B2ST’s visual/sex god)

and that's how i fell in lust

and that’s how i fell in lust

I have to be honest. I’m not a big fan of B2st. i don’t even get what their name means or why they’re having trouble spelling beast. who knows or cares. I only know like one song. who cares about the music when there is a someone as hot as Ki Kwang in the group. damn. Ki Kwang be fine. How can anyone be this hot? when I stalk him on tumblr all I want to do is hump his face. no his arm. no his leg. maybe I just want to hump every part of his body. Ki Kwang you lift up your shirt and I …

clean up on aisle three

clean up on aisle three

 

 

Zico(Block B Leader/ gangsta rapper)

ok ok ok

ok ok ok

the only English words you know might be ok ok ok but that’s fine with me. his rapping makes my panties drop. He’s like the bad boy in the Kpop universe. The blonde hair, the devil may care attitude, and those long… long legs. There was a moment when he…let’s talk about the dreadlocks phase. And instead we should focus on his panty dropping points. 1. he’s a dope rapper. And would wipe the floor with any rapper. 2. he’s got swag. 3. he majored in art at uni. And probably paints naked in his free time. That’s hot!

Bang(B.A.P’s leader/ rapper/ do gooder)

as the great bruno mars once said: bang, will you marry me?

as the great bruno mars once said: bang, will you marry me?

That deep voice. Those eyes. That smile. He is so manly, this is the kinda guy that I’ve been waiting for. If only I could call him oppa, but I’m older. Please call me noona, and I promise I’ll like it. not only is he hot but he’s an all round good guy. Nothing is more sexy than a guy that gets that there are people less fortunate than him, and he gets the awesomeness that was Nelson Mandela. I was watching a clip on youtube where the guys of B.A.P had to draw a pic of their ideal woman and he drew a pic of a chick with bigass wavy hair. Someone off screen told him to call out to her. He looked at the camera with his arms wide open and said, “come here”. I died. Ha-penis overload!!!!

Lee Minho(Korean actor: boys over flowers, the heirs and Faith)

lee min ho can i be your leading lady?

Someone needs to dub him the gentleman of the kdrama universe. You know you’re going to enjoy any kdrama with Minho in it. He’s got the charm and wit to pull off any character (except heirs…I don’t want to talk about it…). I’m not sure if he should be on this tipi pitching list. I think he’s hot but in a respectful way. when I look at his face I wouldn’t say that I’m like a dog in heat. He’s just the kind of guy that makes you feel sexy. You know he’ll treat you just right. And that’s hot! Say yes to pitching a tipi for a guy that treats you with respect.

Rain(actor/singer/dancer/shirt ripper)

can you just imagine all the things he'd do to you???

can you just imagine all the things he’d do to you???

I think that he’s the only Asian that most people know. Yes! Yes! Ninja assassin. That movie is like porn to me. I still don’t get why he wasn’t just shirtless from the beginning to the end. *shakes head* I wanted to exclude him from the list. Just to spite him. He’s was released from military duty just a few months ago and has yet to show us his bod. That’s rude! He had an amazing body before he did his service. So he must have jonged up. South is incessantly talking about how Koreans magically fill out after serving in the military. Let’s celebrate the fruits of your hard labour togezza, Rain.

T.O.P(Rapper/ actor/hottest man alive::: literally.)

I never thought i'd ever say this. but i'm super jealous of a wine glass

I never thought i’d ever say this. but i’m super jealous of a wine glass

I still dream of carrying his blue haired babies minus the babies. This man looks good in anything. Blue hair, striking red suit, as a villain, wait… he looks terrible dressed up as a girl. Please delete those videos from youtube. Sankyu! I remember when I first caught sight of him, at the bob concert. I was so overwhelmed (with hormones) that I just stood there stunned. He’s actually hotter in real life. How that is even possible… I don’t know. I was so sad that I was too broke to purchase tickets to a BigBang concert. he just released Doom Dada, and that is a sick track. and he looks so good in the video. Sjoe, he blows how to make himself look good. He is the manliest man in the Kpop universe. But I think that Bang might give him a run for his money, someday. Let’s wait and see.

you’re welcome

you’re welcome

I really hate men sometimes …

If you don’t feel like reading some bitch’s rant or hate speech towards men. You should stop reading this post… right now.

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I must confess, I’m not too fond of the male population of late, but tonight was just the pits. So I love to meet some friends for dinner and drinks on a week night, to blow off steam. You na mean? Our conversations vary from work, travels, pop culture and dating.

I’m legally obligated not to be violent. Since your ass will be jailed if you hit or kick anyone, in Japan. But my friend made a comment that  made me almost backhand her. She said and I quote: “I can’t be picky with the guys I choose. I have to take what I can get.”

This just pissed me off. My friend is beautiful, funny and smart. Yes, she’s not a size zero. But fuck, I’m so tired of us (women) allowing society’s (society which is in fact: men) standards of beauty determine how we see ourselves. I want her to know that she is beautiful, and that she should value herself more, and go for the guy she wants. And not the first sleazebag that talks to her. I understand how she feels because I still struggle with this issue as well. Why don’t we as women value ourselves more?

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So this got me thinking…

Why do men get to set the bar of what is hot or not?

Shouldn’t we as women set that bar?

It is our bodies!!!!

Is a size zero really that sexy?

When I developed breasts. Men just felt it was ok to be creepy. I remember an older man that was an uncle of a close friend, just ogling at me.

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How could I ever forget those lust-filled eyes. His wife who was usually nice, began to act dismissive towards me. At that time I thought, so this is what its like to be an adult woman. You lose all sense of logic. Your husband is lusting after a fifteen year old child but instead of giving your husband a firm talking to, and protecting an innocent child, you choose to see that child as a threat. I knew that I didn’t want to grow up to be a woman like that, and I definitely didn’t want to marry a creep.

We need to know that we are worth more than that. I think it’s normal to feel attracted to someone of an appropriate age. And I plan to very much still check out Korean ass when I’m fifty and happily married. But you have to be respectful towards your significant other, and not drool all over yourself in front them. Decorum! You need to act appropriately.

Let’s go back in time. To the exact moment when I started hating myself. At thirteen, what did I know about the world? I was a blank page that thought life would be like the movies. One day, you see the boy of your dreams, magically one night you would confess your feelings, and he’d feel the same way too. You’d kiss and promise to be together forever. You’d graduated from university, and overnight you’d be the CEO of your own very successful company. I didn’t know what the company did, all I knew was that I was well off, and was getting married to the man of my dreams.

Puberty was seriously awkward. I had to accept that blood would be gushing from my vagina once a month. My hormones were all over the place, I would have a break out of zits on the day of the dance. I just started crying for no reason. And at my high school, the guys were real jerks.

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One day while we were writing an essay or doing a worksheet or something. I don’t remember. It was about where we would be in ten years. I remember asking the teacher how to spell ‘fiancé’. And then some boy, I don’t remember his name or his face. Anyway, the little fucker burst out laughing and said, “Like you’d ever have a fiancé!” that was definitely the aha moment for me. It wasn’t a good one. It was the moment that I thought, “Ahh, I’m not pretty. So why would anyone want to marry me?” As I’m typing this post I’m searching my brain for his name, but honestly it’s not coming to me. I hated that boy for five years. I seriously hated him. I didn’t know why I hated him. I just did. And thought that every other male in my high school thought I wasn’t pretty or skinny enough to date.

Ironically, in my final year of high school, we worked backstage on the school play together. Once the play ended. He hooked his arm around my neck, and said to me and the rest of the backstage crew, “Are you ready for the after party?” I was livid. why was this arsehole touching me and acting all friendly, when we were mortal enemies. Then I had another aha moment: he didn’t remember what he said to me all those years ago. Back then, he was a stupid thirteen year old boy that didn’t really understand the gravity of his words. And I was suffering for the last five years for no reason. Instead of suffering, I should’ve just told him then and there while he was laughing at me to fuck off. Or just came up with a witty remark that would’ve made the class laugh at his stupidity.

I wish my mother encouraged me more to confess to boys. Rejection is part of growing up, and maybe back then the guy that I liked, possibly liked me back but I was just too indifferent to realise. But I guess she was too caught up in her divorce to notice that I was seriously fucked up about my body and boys. And I wish my father would’ve told me I was cute. If he did, maybe I would’ve believed it. Since he was the most important man in my life. I’m past my adolescent years where my parents were responsible for my wellbeing, so now I have to take full responsibility.

I’m not sure if my relationship with men got any better in university. I made many male friends. And started dating guys. Some were nice, but a little boring. One guy I used to liked for a while was really wishy washy about dating me and in the end called me a whore. And then there was him: I was in my last year of university sitting in the backseat of my friend’s car, and the guy I liked at that time was sitting beside me. He was a cold guy by nature. But I thought I made a breakthrough. Because he was sitting next to me. And he didn’t look disgusted. So that was a step in the right direction. Suddenly, he turned to face me, and looked me dead in the eyes, and said: “I like flat-chested girls”.

I was gutted. You’re confused, I know. Let me explain, I’m a little or should I say alotta gifted in the breast department. Thus, he was saying indirectly that I was not his type. Back then, young north was naive, cried herself to sleep that night. Not knowing that she had just been wronged. Where have their (men) manners gone? If a girl likes you, and she has yet to confess her feelings. You have no right to reject her. Yes, it might be awkward when she’s being Bella from twilight, breathing heavily in your ear, or watching you from around the corner.

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But as a gentleman you endure. And when she finally gathers her courage, and confesses. As a gentleman, you put her down gently. And lie. Firstly, you thank her for her confession. And tell her that her feelings make you happy. But unfortunately, your heart belongs to another. Why do men need to make us cry? I get that rejection sucks, no matter what you say. But some guys are real douchebags about it.

Talking about douchebags. I think I’ve met the king of all douchebags. I really didn’t want to write about this. But… its time.

One morning while sitting on the curb in front of a konbini in Osaka. This was 8am, and I was eating my breakfast, waiting for my friend who needed to use the loo. A man walked by and looked at me strangely, but I was completely used to people staring at me by now.

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I am a foreigner living in Japan, you know. So I didn’t really pay too much attention to him. After ten minutes he returned. Walking with purpose towards me. He said, in Japanese of course, very enthusiastically that I had large breasts. At that point, I was ready to cut a bitch. This fucker thought it was ok to approach me and disrespect me.

He didn’t stop. I pretended that I didn’t understand Japanese. Then he said in Japanese, “oh, you don’t speak Japanese.” so he changed tactics, he gestured showing that I had large breast. I said no, and tried to shoo him away. Then he said: touch, touch. Suggesting that he’d like to touch my breasts. Shocked, I said no. This guy was persistent, he then said, “Touch me”. I said no. then “suck…suck”. I got the feeling that he learnt a few English words from porn.

“No!”

“Sex?”

“No. just go!”

And so he left.

I don’t know what the fuck was going through that bastard’s mind. Thinking that I’d lie on my back in a cheap hotel with an ass like him. Do men no longer respect women? Or did they just never respect us at all. We are only their whores, baby makers, and are meant to wait for them as they search the streets for their next lay? I was ready to lay my best fighting technique I picked up from street fighter, shoryuken, on him.

Ken-shoryu-ts

How dare he make me feel so cheap? How dare he not respect me? I was pissed that after believing that I’m so strong, I was so weak in that moment. When I told my friend about it, she said I should’ve given him a taai klap (a slap in the face). I was just shocked that he had the audacity to do what he did out in the open, with so many people watching. Even if I did punch or kick him, I’d probably be convicted for violence, even though it was in self defence. I don’t think I’d ever felt as far from home as I did that day. And yet, I’m not sure if I would’ve reacted any differently back home.

After the ordeal I told one of my Japanese friends, and she confessed that a similar incident happened to her. How many more women are there that have shared our experiences or have had worse done to them? Why was it ok, for men to make you feel dirty and worthless? Women! We need to empower ourselves. We should learn self defence.

And the laws need to be changed. We need to take harassment more seriously. Our governments should punish these individuals that think its ok to harass unwilling participants. And I believe that rapists and child molesters should serve at least twenty years in prison.

Do you understand why I occasionally hate men? I think they’re lovely to look at, but they just know how to piss me off, especially when they suggest women are the weaker sex. We are strong too you know. So what if I’m scared of spiders. There is nothing wrong with preferring not to be within a five meter radius of one. So yes, I would like my father to kill them for me. And now that I live on my own, I have to kill spiders that get in the way of my happiness. I can do it for myself. But do I want to kill spiders? No, I don’t. Would I like someone else to do it for me? Yes, I do. I don’t care if you’re a man, woman or alien. I just hate spiders, and wished they didn’t exist. Does that make me a weak woman, no its makes me human.

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Back to my friend. I hate that she’s beating herself about guys not liking her back but maybe he doesn’t like peas! After crying about some boy my sister gave me some good advice. I didn’t understand it at the time but now being older and a little wiser. It makes more sense. I know that this is a very hard concept to  understand. But just think about it logically. What food don’t you like? Well, I don’t like peas, I can’t stand that shit. And I’m quite relieved that you won’t find that shit in Japanese dishes.

Let’s say that people are food. Maybe to him you are peas. And that has nothing to do with you. He just doesn’t like peas. So whenever the guy I like rejects me, I cry myself to sleep for a few nights, and then I just tell myself that he just doesn’t like peas. And that’s ok. I’m going to wait for someone that likes peas. I don’t want one that’s dreaming of strawberries, when I’m just mushy peas. But if I were a food, I wouldn’t be peas. They taste disgusting. I wouldn’t mind being pumpkin. *drool*. Roasted chicken, and potatoes, with a side of rice, and a dollop of pumpkin. Yum! I miss Sunday lunch.

If I could give advice to young north, I’d say: don’t wear short skirts. If people around you can easily see your knickers. It is too short! What is wrong with wearing a skirt/ dress that is five centimetres above your knee. If you like that short length, wear leggings. They’re both appropriate and fashionable. Why do you need to demean yourself by wearing ridiculously short skirts? For who? Boys? Love yourself more. Laugh more. Be silly. And I’d tell her to be brave. If you like someone, become his friend first. First check if he’s a nice guy. Then, Confess. If you’re rejected, at least you had the balls, unlike most adults, to go for what you want.

Right now, I don’t hate men. I just don’t trust a large faction of them. What I realised is that stupid boys grow up into stupid men. Your happiness should not be wavered by their words. You need to love yourself first. Every morning, stand in front of your mirror, and look at that face looking back at you and truly believe that she (YOU) is beautiful.

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The perks of being an alcoholic

Gayly update: the road of the gay is a hard one to walk.

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I went to a goukon (group date with equal numbers of both sexes) the other day. Many Japanese people meet their future significant others at goukons. Not that I was looking for my significant other. It was on my ‘to do list’. So when I was asked. I just had to do it. I have to confess that this event wasn’t very homosexual. But in my defence, my friend needed to fill seats, and I’m a good seat filler.

After one too many tequilas, I couldn’t stop laughing. So one dashing young man asked why I am so genki (cheerful / energetic). And I said ‘I don’t know, because of happiness.’ But my very Japanese, and very drunk friend thought she heard, ‘because of a penis.’ Luckily, their English was limited to hello and how are you? But my friend was friendly enough to translate it for them. Thus I became the pervert that likes peni.

If there was ever a point when I should’ve stopped drinking. I think that was it. Tequila hangovers are the worse. Never again! That’s what I said but I found myself doing body shots from some random guy’s belly button the following Saturday again. I’d never admit this to my mom but I think that I’ve become an alcoholic. Since coming to Japan, I find that I drink more. Thus my tolerance level has gone up over the last few years. I’ve powered up so much that I’m practically Super Saiyan.

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When I first arrived in Japan one of my colleagues asked me if I was an avid drinker. At that time, I wouldn’t say that I liked or disliked it, and that’s what I told him. He said something that I’ll never forget, “there is nothing to do in this place. By the time you leave Japan, you will be an alcoholic.” I laughed thinking it would never happen to me. Present day: my fridge is stocked with beer, chuhais and wine. Just in case, I feel like one or the other. And when I’m running low, I can make a quick konbini run. In Japan, alcohol is readily available everywhere and at all hours. I love Japan, I really do.

Going home for Christmas was a real hoot!! I was sober for four days. A new record for me. On the fifth day, I was climbing the walls. My body didn’t understand what was going on… Where was its usual dose of alcohol? A shot or a beer would do. After a few drinks, I realized that I started to enjoy the company of my family more. See, alcohol brings families togezza.

There is so much rightness with being an alcoholic in Japan. 1. You’ll never be bored 2. You’ll sleep really well at night. On most nights anyway. 3. When things go badly at work, knowing that there is a cold beer waiting in your fridge really helps you get through the day. Your views on most issues will always clash, as a westerner you want to take a direct approach to solve problems whereas the Japanese way is through hierarchical discussions and documentation. Which is quite frustrating when the answer is simple: just do it my way?

4. Enkais, office drinking parties. Pouring drinks for your colleagues and bosses. Paying x amount for an all you can drink. Westerners can only dream of this. At these parties my colleagues get ugly drunk, they transform into creatures I’d never seen before. What happened to sweet natured Tanaka san, or my stoic buchou? Sigh. The shit that goes down at an enkai should stay at the enkai. My colleagues are always so surprised that I’m exactly the same person at work and at enkais. They always tell me that I’m a strong drinker. Bitches, I ain’t strong. I just refuse to show my true colours so ya’ll be talking about how crazy the foreigner was acting at the enkai on Monday. Nah ah… not on my watch.

5. Nomihoudais, drink as much as you like for a set amount for two hours. Yes, I be throwing those drinks back like they be lemonade. Booya!! This is why nomihoudais wouldn’t work because we can’t drink at an appropriate pace. Most restaurants offer all you can’t drink for two hours for a set price, and this is the time that I let loose. And go to the dark side— where I’m a sex kitten. Kkkkkk

what i think i look like when i’m drunk dancing:

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Reality:

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Do you really need a reason to drink? Back home we find excuses to party. So I find reasons to drink. I learnt a new Japanese word. Party time! I didn’t fuck up at work today.  Let’s party! The sun is shining. Yay! It’s my birthday!!! I might have moved countries but my reasons are still the same except now when I come home to an empty apartment it is enough of a reason to start drinking. Because I’m a grown up, bitch!!

Fun fact: a bad bottle of wine will not make your pasta taste better. Your pasta will just end up tasting like bad wine.

There are perks to becoming an alcoholic. You become more social, you become an amazing singer, and it makes you feel uber sexy. What’s wrong with drinking alcohol? I find the answers to most of life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle of wine. Although, alcoholism really gets in the way of gayism. When I’m intoxicated all I wanna do is have some sexism. I really should cut down on the drinking but then again, if I did, South and I would have nothing to laugh about.

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kakpraat!!!!

Seriously,princess can go get fffffaaaaqqqq by centaurs!!! Why am I even friends with her? Thank god for katpraat. If it didn’t exist I don’t think South and I would find the funny of shitty situations. And we wouldn’t be able to laugh at the kak that our respective princesses get up to. Are you looking up “kak” in your dictionary? No need. I’ll put it into simple English for you: kak means shit, and praat means talk in Afrikaans. And what do South and I do best? we talk shit. And thus began our fruitful and quite addictive relationship with the chat app Kakaotalk. So we’ve dubbed the app “kakpraat”.

South and I both live in the inaka. The night life in our humble cities are usually dead around 9pm. I gets pretty depressing at times. So kp (kakpraat) really saved us from many lonely nights. It brought us togezza. That and our deep unfaltering love of Kpop. It’s kinda nice to have someone who’s on the same page as you. We stalk ppl on FB togezza. Laughing at epic fails togezza. We complain about princesses togezza. And perv on Taeyang, TOP, Rain, B.A.P togezza. Although we’ve given up the latter in hopes of becoming homosexual. Fighting!!!!

I just can’t imagine my life without kakpraat and South. No matter where we are in the world, we always message each other. Just the other day I didn’t get the my daily “good mourning” from South, and she didn’t reply to any of my messages either. I feared that someone kidnapped her, leaving her stranded in Uzbekistan without an iPhone. I know that sounds terrible, I didn’t mean to think such horrid thoughts but I was genuinely concerned for her cellphoneless state. Later, I was told that she just forgot her phone at home. On that dreadful day, we tried chatting on facebook but it just wasn’t the same. You need the kp emoticons. Without the emoticons, everything just comes across as abrasive. At least we continued to make many more epic fails.

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We have made so many epic fails due to iPhone’s autocorrect function. As I’m sure, so does the rest of the world. Classic iphone fail: let’s get the he’ll out of here. But my favourite fail  ever was when South texted: you blow. What my chingu meant to type was “you know”. I think we joked about this one for weeks. It started with you blow and just evolved…

you blow

i don’t blow

i blow what you mean

i blow him

i’d like to blow him

somebody I use to blow.

we’re not exactly the most mature people you’d find in Japan. ah, I love this age of  autocorrect fails, because I’m in a good mood, I’ll share a few of my fav autocorrect fails, and our gayly lingo:

cutr   – cute

do cutr   – so cute

easy – waste

good mourning – good morning

for eels -for reals

jinja – really (hangul)

BoB – our nickname for Bigbang, it was originally my autocorrect fail

Oh my GD -our version of omg, GD being G-dragon from Bigbang because he’s our kpop god. I think it was originally a fail.

orz – … (need I explain?)

fffffaaaaaaqqqqqqq – (self explanatory /// stolen from Tokyo)

kkkkk – korean sniggering

ottoke – what should I do (Korean)

chingus4life – friends 4life

you na mean – you know what I mean (thanks B.A.P)

homosexy – that which is truly sexy

katok/ kakpraat – Kakaotalk

that’s all from the North back to you South in the studio.

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Let’s eating chocolate cake togezza

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Living in Japan is rough. I find myself longing for a man. Some might say I’m boy crazy. I can’t deny that it’s true. South and I will talk for hours about men. Men we’d seen in the club, kpop guys and even colleagues sometimes. There is nothing else to do in this town but perv on guys and fall in love in our heads.

My fav place on this planet (since I’ve had many opportunities to go out of space and found that aliens were not exactly to my liking) to perv on guys is in Seoul— the hottie mother land. Those guys know just how to dress. They look good from the front and equally as good from the back. I’m salivating just thinking about them. It was on my first visit to Seoul that I realized that I’m an ass girl. There is nothing sexier than a man with a nice ass. And in Seoul they spend hours in the gym or on the operating table chiseling those fine asses.

It’s a shame that we don’t live in South Korea. So we have to feast our eyes on men closer to home. Let me tell you about the guys that tickle our fancy.

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Shots:

He lives in SK and is so cutr! Honestly, South talks about him all the time but she doesn’t have feelings for him. Or so she says. Then when this other bitch in sheep’s clothing tried to make the moves on him, she went all tiger on that bitch’s ass. But she has no romantic feelings for the guy but happily refers to him as her little bro. Their relationship seems a little incestuous if you ask me. Maybe I’m just reading the situation all wrong. You tell me.

Museum

This is South’s sexy neighbour. She rarely sees him. So to get them to interact a bit more we are always trying to concoct plans to get her into his apartment. We have yet to come up with one that could actually work. I like this guy a lot, haven’t seen a pic of him yet. But I’m all about easy access. He lives next door. It would be like a Nodame and Chiaki. Unless he’s more like Hannibal Lector then that would just be super awkward.

Touchback

South’s sexy colleague, married of course. But such a flirt. Even though he’s Japanese for some odd reason he likes skinship. Or he knows that she gets shy when he touches her back. He’s dangerous, and yet so so so HOT!!!! South reminds herself constantly that he goes to snack bars every weekend. Don’t worry, South is a strong girl. She won’t fall for his temptations. Fighting!

Tokyo

I want to ffffaaaaqqqqq his sense of humour. Tokyo is a friend of a friend. Because some things happened, we met and I fell in love with his dirty mouth. He’s a vulgar little fucker. He spends all day talking about penises and being tied up. I think he likes a good spanking too. His facebook status updates has the ability to change a super kak day into a fucken awesome one. South wants us to hook up but I’m not a big fan of rope burn.

Old crush 

My office lover, married of course. The funny thing is that he isn’t physically sexy but he has this aura of control. Like he’d know what to do between the sheets. I spent most of winter fantasizing about this man. Come on guys, I’m from a warmish country, and I needed something to warm these cold bones. Nothing got me hotter than when he called my name. Unlike the rest of my colleagues, he didn’t say “North san”, he just said “North”. His English is as dismal as my Japanese but we made it work.

Orange

A local university student I only see when I look like Tim Burton. I remember the first time I saw him. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He was riding his bicycle. And for some odd reason he smiled at me, and naturally I said, “Hello.” (Think Joey from Friends). Not my finest hour. But hey! We all have those awkward moments. Now whenever he sees me he says hello and winks but I have a feeling he’s mocking me. Bastard!

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It’s fun to perv on guys and talk about them with a chingu. But at times it feels like we’re matchstick girls with no money looking at chocolate cakes through a display window. That’s just cruel. We want to eat cake too. Don’t we deserve some cake? Do sexy guys exist just to remind us that we’re poor and will never have even a little piece of chocolate cake?