Going out with a Bang

I recently put up a Facebook status and an ex-princess of mine from University days commented on it. Her comment was “lol”.

Why do people do this?????????

In pretty irrelevant news, I finally met my neighbour Museum. The guy who’s been living in the apartment under mine for the past two years, whom I thought was the boyfriend of another neighbour. I remember saying to someone, “Wow, one of my neighbours has a really hot boyfriend! He keeps visiting! I see him sometimes coming to the apartment!” Little did I know he actually lived there. FAIL.

Anyways, we had an apartment nomikai (飲み会). Nomikai means drinking party and it’s what Japanese people do to let loose off all you can eat/drink. So I pitched up and recognized the very strapping young man seated at the table was the elusive Museum.

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Like this

So he works at a Museum – yes there are reasons for these weird nicknames. I was trying very hard to be gay, and I think North would have been proud of me. I ended up sitting with Museum’s elderly boss who showed me pictures of stray cats all evening. Museum caught me staring maybe twice. Luckily he was really drunk and probably didn’t think anything of it. Any girl with half a brain would have gone over to him and made chingus, but I didn’t. I looked at cats and commented about how delicious everything was.

Actually I really, really dislike cats.

Moving on… my northern chingu and I are going to Seoul for Golden Week. Golden Week is a string of public holidays that make up a whole week of fun times. I’ve been to Seoul once and can’t say I was as impressed as North was. I linger mostly in Busan, a city which I feel is super underrated. However, my Seoul experience was with Princess, and kind of sucked except for eating cheap hotdogs on the street at 2am. I don’t know what exactly were in those hotdogs, but I went with it and it was like a unicorn had pooped joy into a bread roll.

Um, ja, you know you were having issues when the most memorable thing about one of the most famous cities in Asia was a hotdog. So I’m willing to give Seoul another go. However, if you were following recent news, North Korea decided to declare nuclear war on South Korea and the US and whatnot. Again. This was a bit disturbing for people who have not been used to such things. In South Africa we couldn’t be bothered about nuclear war, whether it affects us or not. Seriously, we have our own stuff to deal with. Now living in Asia, it’s like eish! Our neighbours want to kill us!

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Suddenly this looks a lot more sinister

Koreans I spoke to about it really don’t give a shit. They’ve kind of taken a “well I’d like to see you try, nerds” approach. I did worry about this just a bit, but what to do? I used to brag about my close proximity to Korea while living in the comfy cocoon that is Japan. Now it’s a bit awkward. North mentioned that if anything were to happen, Japan would be pretty fucked too. So it got me thinking about stuff.

Would it be weird, knowing that you were going to die, blatantly propositioning someone into having fun and possibly sexy times with you? Especially in Seoul, the number one target location? If I were to die in Seoul, I’d want to have soju in one hand and delicious chicken in the other. You know, or go out with a…bang. Yes. Make what you will of that. Surely the guy in question wouldn’t protest, I mean no one wants to die on the toilet or picking their nose. No. We want to enjoy. And if given the choice, I’m sure some people will think why not. Right?

Also we have one more Gayday left. Look how time flies. It was just the other day were were new to the gay world, confused, looking for clarity…and now we have grown in so many ways. It was kind of like doing an internship or something. Now we’re breaking free of the cocoon as we embark on our Golden Seoul trip, with a new perspective and wiser than before.

OK, maybe not…we’re still the same, maybe slightly more pathetic. I really wish I were gay. Now I just realised that my standards have lowered considerably and I make excuses for everything.

Anyway we’re not really going to do anything stupid (I hope) like driving a car off a cliff. But hopefully have something good to write about when we come back.

Or if…. (jk haha…)

またね!

kakpraat!!!!

Seriously,princess can go get fffffaaaaqqqq by centaurs!!! Why am I even friends with her? Thank god for katpraat. If it didn’t exist I don’t think South and I would find the funny of shitty situations. And we wouldn’t be able to laugh at the kak that our respective princesses get up to. Are you looking up “kak” in your dictionary? No need. I’ll put it into simple English for you: kak means shit, and praat means talk in Afrikaans. And what do South and I do best? we talk shit. And thus began our fruitful and quite addictive relationship with the chat app Kakaotalk. So we’ve dubbed the app “kakpraat”.

South and I both live in the inaka. The night life in our humble cities are usually dead around 9pm. I gets pretty depressing at times. So kp (kakpraat) really saved us from many lonely nights. It brought us togezza. That and our deep unfaltering love of Kpop. It’s kinda nice to have someone who’s on the same page as you. We stalk ppl on FB togezza. Laughing at epic fails togezza. We complain about princesses togezza. And perv on Taeyang, TOP, Rain, B.A.P togezza. Although we’ve given up the latter in hopes of becoming homosexual. Fighting!!!!

I just can’t imagine my life without kakpraat and South. No matter where we are in the world, we always message each other. Just the other day I didn’t get the my daily “good mourning” from South, and she didn’t reply to any of my messages either. I feared that someone kidnapped her, leaving her stranded in Uzbekistan without an iPhone. I know that sounds terrible, I didn’t mean to think such horrid thoughts but I was genuinely concerned for her cellphoneless state. Later, I was told that she just forgot her phone at home. On that dreadful day, we tried chatting on facebook but it just wasn’t the same. You need the kp emoticons. Without the emoticons, everything just comes across as abrasive. At least we continued to make many more epic fails.

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We have made so many epic fails due to iPhone’s autocorrect function. As I’m sure, so does the rest of the world. Classic iphone fail: let’s get the he’ll out of here. But my favourite fail  ever was when South texted: you blow. What my chingu meant to type was “you know”. I think we joked about this one for weeks. It started with you blow and just evolved…

you blow

i don’t blow

i blow what you mean

i blow him

i’d like to blow him

somebody I use to blow.

we’re not exactly the most mature people you’d find in Japan. ah, I love this age of  autocorrect fails, because I’m in a good mood, I’ll share a few of my fav autocorrect fails, and our gayly lingo:

cutr   – cute

do cutr   – so cute

easy – waste

good mourning – good morning

for eels -for reals

jinja – really (hangul)

BoB – our nickname for Bigbang, it was originally my autocorrect fail

Oh my GD -our version of omg, GD being G-dragon from Bigbang because he’s our kpop god. I think it was originally a fail.

orz – … (need I explain?)

fffffaaaaaaqqqqqqq – (self explanatory /// stolen from Tokyo)

kkkkk – korean sniggering

ottoke – what should I do (Korean)

chingus4life – friends 4life

you na mean – you know what I mean (thanks B.A.P)

homosexy – that which is truly sexy

katok/ kakpraat – Kakaotalk

that’s all from the North back to you South in the studio.

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The Princess Diaries

Harro! So the Gayly Plan is still going on. The othergay we realised we weren’t really trying and will be stricter from now on. Somehow a picture of Zelo from the group B.A.P appeared in our chat this morning, but North said her phone was hacked.

Looking at North’s post about all these cartoon character-like people we have encountered, I was reminded of another character we have in our respective parts of Japan. No, it’s not another poor guy. It’s the Princess.

Caution: Bitchfest ahead. Shield your eeyyeess!!!

North and I both have one. In North’s words: She’s the kind of person that you’re friends with because there are only a few people around”. And we bitch and complain about them because they’re the most annoying people on the planet at times, probably here to test our patience.

So, what exactly is the Princess stereotype?

Firstly, the Princess has needs, and while everyone has needs (see previous posts), these needs are constantly expressed, sort of like a four-year-old would. Such as “I need a rice ball” “I need to sleep” “I need more clothes” “I need makeup” “I need to lose weight” and so on.

She looks at herself in the mirror, ALL THE TIME.
Fun fact: In South Korea, there is a culture of checking your reflection in any reflective surface whenever the opportunity arises. In windows, doors, lifts, the backs of spoons, cell phone screens and subway cars. For non-Koreans, this is hilarious to see. People whip out their compacts/smart phones on public transport or in waiting lines to touch up their faces. Even guys stare shamelessly at their reflections in subway doors and fix their hair. Somehow, this trend has caught onto our Princesses and they feel the need to gaze upon their visages numerous times a day. Once we nearly missed a train because Princess was adjusting someshit on her face, serious.

Princess acts cutesy to attract guys.
We live the capital of cute. The word “kawaii” is engrained in you from day one of being here, and it’s a huge part of Japanese popular culture. Everything is kawaii…someone’s hair, someone’s purse, a dog, a duck, Hello Kitty toilet paper. This morning a coworker was looking at the blank notice board saying “kawaii!” I thought it was just sleep deprivation on his part, but turned out someone stuck a creepy looking bear-shaped pin on it.

Anyway, I tend to veer off-course. Being called kawaii is pretty much the best thing a Japanese person can say to you. Princess knows this and plays up this cutesy girl image, much to the delight of fans everywhere. This includes high-pitched giggling, looking dumbfounded and acting like a child at times.
Kawaii

She also uses LOL a lot. I was going to make my hatred of LOL a whole new post, but who wants to read that. I’ll complain here and kill two birds with one stone. I think LOL is the most ridiculous acronym ever invented. I hate overuse of it, especially as a punctuation mark. My Princess uses it in place of full stops, question marks, exclamation marks, spaces, and emoticons. As an old-fashioned haha person, something about lol seems so stoic and expressionless, you know? Every time an “lol” pops up on my screen, I get nauseous. Once I actually counted the number of lolz used in a conversation and was amazed to find she used it in every single sentence!
Examples of overlol usage:
– What are you doing lol
– I’m cleaning my house lolz
– Omg lol some guy just called me
– Lolll (seemingly to emphasise the “loud” part)
And a new one:
– Have you made any plans lol??

It would be different if someone was actually laughing when typing the lol. Which, let’s be honest, is kind of spastic and weird. Replace all those with actual laughter, and see how that comes across. Right?

The princess needs things to be explained slowly. She is also genuinely confused when, on the rare occasion, she’s rejected or her flirtatious advances are not returned. This would mean the male in question is either gay or has a severe mental problem.

Lastly, the Princess must be complimented at least every day. Compliments are the compost that enables our little Princess flower to flourish and grow! North told me the other day that her princess pretends to mishear and asks for the compliment to be repeated. I had to laugh at that. Out loud.

The word Princess has also become a verb to us.

“Princessing” (v.) 1. Talking continuously about oneself in a conversation and probably forgetting the other person exists. There is no pause for input, or asking about the other at all. It’s just the act of kakking on someone (figuratively), offloading, until they’re satisfied. Any comments made by the other person are regarded as sarcastic, bitchy, or confusing (sometimes they are sarcastic…we are guilty of that).

Or, more simply, North’s definition is:

“Princessing” (v.) 2. To prattle on and on about how awesome your love life is ensuring that the person on the other side feels like shit.

These conversations are so boring and tedious and are basically about how many guys she’s shagged or how some guy dropped his groceries when they saw her, or how she bought fake eyelashes (accompanied by a self-taken photo) which doesn’t interest us in the slightest.

Yes, it sounds like we have an inferiority complex. And maybe we do. Dumbledore, what to do? Or maybe we should ask Dumbledore’s brother, whatshisname. He might have had the same problem.

Let’s eating chocolate cake togezza

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Living in Japan is rough. I find myself longing for a man. Some might say I’m boy crazy. I can’t deny that it’s true. South and I will talk for hours about men. Men we’d seen in the club, kpop guys and even colleagues sometimes. There is nothing else to do in this town but perv on guys and fall in love in our heads.

My fav place on this planet (since I’ve had many opportunities to go out of space and found that aliens were not exactly to my liking) to perv on guys is in Seoul— the hottie mother land. Those guys know just how to dress. They look good from the front and equally as good from the back. I’m salivating just thinking about them. It was on my first visit to Seoul that I realized that I’m an ass girl. There is nothing sexier than a man with a nice ass. And in Seoul they spend hours in the gym or on the operating table chiseling those fine asses.

It’s a shame that we don’t live in South Korea. So we have to feast our eyes on men closer to home. Let me tell you about the guys that tickle our fancy.

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Shots:

He lives in SK and is so cutr! Honestly, South talks about him all the time but she doesn’t have feelings for him. Or so she says. Then when this other bitch in sheep’s clothing tried to make the moves on him, she went all tiger on that bitch’s ass. But she has no romantic feelings for the guy but happily refers to him as her little bro. Their relationship seems a little incestuous if you ask me. Maybe I’m just reading the situation all wrong. You tell me.

Museum

This is South’s sexy neighbour. She rarely sees him. So to get them to interact a bit more we are always trying to concoct plans to get her into his apartment. We have yet to come up with one that could actually work. I like this guy a lot, haven’t seen a pic of him yet. But I’m all about easy access. He lives next door. It would be like a Nodame and Chiaki. Unless he’s more like Hannibal Lector then that would just be super awkward.

Touchback

South’s sexy colleague, married of course. But such a flirt. Even though he’s Japanese for some odd reason he likes skinship. Or he knows that she gets shy when he touches her back. He’s dangerous, and yet so so so HOT!!!! South reminds herself constantly that he goes to snack bars every weekend. Don’t worry, South is a strong girl. She won’t fall for his temptations. Fighting!

Tokyo

I want to ffffaaaaqqqqq his sense of humour. Tokyo is a friend of a friend. Because some things happened, we met and I fell in love with his dirty mouth. He’s a vulgar little fucker. He spends all day talking about penises and being tied up. I think he likes a good spanking too. His facebook status updates has the ability to change a super kak day into a fucken awesome one. South wants us to hook up but I’m not a big fan of rope burn.

Old crush 

My office lover, married of course. The funny thing is that he isn’t physically sexy but he has this aura of control. Like he’d know what to do between the sheets. I spent most of winter fantasizing about this man. Come on guys, I’m from a warmish country, and I needed something to warm these cold bones. Nothing got me hotter than when he called my name. Unlike the rest of my colleagues, he didn’t say “North san”, he just said “North”. His English is as dismal as my Japanese but we made it work.

Orange

A local university student I only see when I look like Tim Burton. I remember the first time I saw him. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He was riding his bicycle. And for some odd reason he smiled at me, and naturally I said, “Hello.” (Think Joey from Friends). Not my finest hour. But hey! We all have those awkward moments. Now whenever he sees me he says hello and winks but I have a feeling he’s mocking me. Bastard!

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It’s fun to perv on guys and talk about them with a chingu. But at times it feels like we’re matchstick girls with no money looking at chocolate cakes through a display window. That’s just cruel. We want to eat cake too. Don’t we deserve some cake? Do sexy guys exist just to remind us that we’re poor and will never have even a little piece of chocolate cake?

What Would Dumbledore Do?

My chingu and I constantly talk about our love lives, or lack thereof, in Japan. As two single girls, there’s only so long we can go without some “rabu rabu”, especially in a country that’s so culturally defined.

To put you in the loop: in general, foreigners in Japan are usually given a certain amount of attention. No matter how your physical appearance is regarded in the western world, (I’m not sure what South Africa is considered – Western or Southern?) here you will get stared at and/or complimented on your looks frequently. We’re unique and “sugoi” and exotic here. And while it feeds the ego nicely, making you feel like a special little rose full of hope, it rarely goes beyond that for some sad few of us. Compliments in Japan are something I have never taken too personally anyway, because we’re a novelty. And while some of my fellow foreigners are constantly like “OMG you guys my students keep saying how beautiful I am teehee!” I just think dude…get over it.

As mentioned before, we live in the Japanese countryside, and very different parts at that. I’m on an island, which is pretty far from mainland Japan. Because of this, there aren’t usually many young (and by young, I mean people in their twenties) people around. My island is pretty much where people retire, farm, and fish. Their kids school here and leave for a life on the mainland, returning only for vacation time. The ones who remain here get married straight after school and have kids and then take over the family fishing business.

Anyway, for a twenty-something year old foreigner with minimal Japanese language ability in the inaka, dating prospects are pretty bleak. Every foreigner has been asked the question “do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?” numerous times. This is the timeline of my “do you have a boyfriend?” conversations.

1. When I first got here

Japanese person: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No, haha.

JP: Oh really? Why?

Me: I don’t really want one…

JP: Waa- sugee!

Me: haha hoohoo! [Feels like an empowered female!]

2. Middle of the year

JP: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No

JP: Why?

Me: I donno

3. Now, Scenario #1

JP: Is [gay guy I hang out with] your boyfriend?

Me: NO!!

JP: [hehe, they’re so cute, pretending they aren’t in wuv]

4. Now, Scenario #2

JP: Do you have a boyfriend?

Me: No.

JP: Why?

Me: Cos no one likes me, okay?? GOSH [Resumes putting beer cans in shopping trolley].

I’m not going to make this a blog post about how unfair it is that foreign males have an easier time dating here than girls, blah blah. I’ve Googled this topic until my computer overheated, and there are loads of articles on this subject. It’s hard to talk about without sounding bitter, and it’s pretty controversial, so I’m skipping ahead to Conversations with my Chingu (soon to be a paperback – check the Spiritual section of your local bookstore. Haha, jk).

So, we’re constantly talking about how lonely we are and how we’d like someone to have a decent relationship with (or whatever) and not just drunkenly saying “you are so beautiful!” and passing out. After realizing that this is extremely frustrating, and looking to the wise Dumbledore for guidance, we’ve come up with our Gayly Plan.

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Dumbledore knows.

My chingu’s patience was cracking and she admitted that she was pissed off with guys in general. “I’m giving up!” she said. “Over it!” So we agreed to support each other. Sisterhood and all FTW.

You know how some closeted gay people are forced to pretend they’re straight to fit into society in order to survive? Our plan is pretty much the opposite. We wanted to be gay. Although our version of “gay” might be a little warped, and I’m sincerely sorry if I do offend gay people in this post.

*(Side note: I’m pretty much a supporter of gay rights; I actually have more gay friends than straight friends and I know this doesn’t really justify anything… but they’re pretty much amused by this whole thing).

The Gayly Plan is basically an acceptance of our current situation by exploring other options. So far the plan consists of changing the little things that we are in a habit of doing which reinforces how deprived we are. Things like not looking at pictures of handsome k-pop stars (this is HARD, yo!). Refraining from staring at a cute guy as if he were a chocolate cake and we’ve been starving for a week. This is all very creepy.

However, we seem to be lacking the actual dating other girls part. It’s day two of our Gayly Plan and things aren’t looking very good. If getting a boyfriend in Japan is so difficult, what makes us think we’re going to get girlfriends in our towns? What the hell, man! We’ve already relapsed by “accidentally” finding pictures of our favourite Korean rappers.

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This just popped up on our Google image search. Really…

On a serious note, we’ve realized how bloody awful it must be for some gay people to constantly have to pretend they’re straight, or feign interest in the opposite sex. Living a lie is ridiculous and goes against the natural order of things. Respect.

Oh…hello there.

Oh…hello there.

I imagine myself swivelling around dramatically in a chair when saying that. Keep it classy.

So this blog was born out of utter boredom, inspired by the strange (yet exciting! I promise..*nervous laugh*) conversations I have with my friend on the other side of Japan. Yes, we live in Japan, and have been here for nearly two years. It seems a little odd to start a blog almost two years in, but the time felt right now. Kind of like the feeling Oprah must have had when she quit her show. Didn’t she say something like that? She felt it in her bones? Anyway, I digress.

So I live somewhere in the south of Japan, and my friend somewhere in the North…ooh so mysterious! We are both South African (Mzanzi represent!!!). What this has to do with anything, I’m not sure…it may explain my British spelling. So I’ll talk about Japan if I want to, or just bitch about stuff, maybe post an inspirational quote.

Or! Autocorrect fail of the day.

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Erm, I meant…borrow. Or Brow.