Do You Have Sexy Pics: My Experience with Online Dating

I really can identify with N’s alcoholic post. I’m now an alcoholic too, and find various excuses to drink. The excuses are pretty tangible, I think. I’ve had a bad day at work. I’m stressed. I’m bored. I’m lonely. It’s so hot – nice day for a cold beer. It’s so cold and miserable – I need a drink to warm me up. This wine goes well with my dinner. It’s cheaper to buy a 6-pack than just one can. My coworkers drink, so it’s fine if I do. This beer might expire (I don’t know where I got that from).

One thing I’ve realised is that I have a terrible drunk-texting problem. Thanks to smartphones, we are connected to the world non-stop. As you know, we use Kakpraat often (note: we are not paid to advertise Kakaotalk haha…), and I’m constantly messaging people. BUT! As soon as I have a bit of liquor in me, I have to tell people “very important” shit – usually along the lines of “I’m drinking hahaha.” Poor N has been on the receiving end of my drunken rants. And…so have many guys. Guys that I have met and also strangers.

This is because another benefit of having a smartphone is that there’s an app for everything, including dating! Or “flirting” as the write-up says. Whatever! I signed up for one of those flirting/dating/friend-making/stalking/perving apps and filled out my profile half-heartedly. I’m still paranoid. Luckily my location is so random and lost, that the app has actually miscalculated where I am. Safe! And the people who live in my town generally don’t have smartphones cos we’re stuck in the 70’s and so I won’t accidently message my co-workers…safe!

Anyways I browsed some profiles. I love doing that. The guys’ profiles are so drastically different to girls’. We girls have to be sexy all the time, because no one is going to message a chick with a pineapple as her profile picture. No. These girls are hamming it up. The self-taken pics (“selcas”) taken from above so we can see the cleavage! A pic of just cleavage! The duck-face pout! A shitload of makeup! The five photo filters! And because I’m in Asia, lots of purikura! I then realised I could search for guys only, and checked out the dudes. Ah yes! They look so cool. There are lots with guys next to their cars. Some angry ones…actually a lot of angry ones. Why would someone want to message an angry person? Were they going for a Bruce Willis kinda vibe? No, no. And because I’m in Asia, lots of purikura! Yes, guys here take purikura too…manly purikura.

photo(6)

This cracks me up every time.

Then the messaging. Most guys start with “Hi”. Nothing wrong with that, that’s how we greet people. Some message in Japanese/Korean. Shamefully enough, I find my Korean ability to actually be better than my Japanese, so I put in some effort nonetheless. But regardless of nationality, there are creepers. At first I was scared/shocked/angry. Now it’s just hilarious.

There are the old guys. These guys think you’ll drop the panties when they say so, and I don’t bother responding to them. They are usually married. I get it…they’re looking for sexy times. No thanks.

Those usual ones who don’t bullshit around and start off saying they’d like some online fun times. Maybe accompanied by a dead arousing penis shot. Wooo! Delete. Similar to these are the chaps who will engage in small talk and BAM! Out of the blue they’ll say something like, “can I see a sexy pic?” or “I want to sex with you”. Who needs actual conversation when you have gems such as these? Gush. These guys I find actually try to negotiate with you when you say you’re not interested. And depending on how much I’ve had to drink, I will try reason with them. Something like this:

Guy: I want to sex with you. Can we meet?

Me: No, sorry

Guy: Please? I’ll teach you Korean

Me: Hahaha! Thanks, but I have a textbook.

Guy: When can we meet

Me: Why are you wanting to [erm] sex with someone from the internet? Can’t you find someone?

Guy: I have never been with a South African.

Me: Oh, I’m sure it’s not that different. Go out and find someone.

Guy: can we meet this weekend?

Nobno

Now I see the irony of this. In one of my previous posts, I threw the idea around of asking a guy to sleep with me and seeing his reaction. The reason for that was because I thought there was going to be nuclear war! Okay, don‘t judge me! Unless these guys also think they’re going to die soon (which granted, they might) and now ok, I feel kind of bad for judging them.

There are also weirdos who don’t say anything wildly inappropriate…but who’re just boring. There was a guy who couldn’t think of anything to say besides “Hi” and “what u doing”.

poor social

However, I’ve had some good convos with guys on the app, also depending where I am. I usually end up listening to some people’s problems and giving advice. I guess they need to get their shit out.

I have met one guy in person. It was my first time doing that. I agreed to meet him because he was ridiculously funny, easy to talk to, didn’t hit on me and enjoyed k-pop. I didn’t care if he was gay or not, I just enjoyed chatting to him. So I met him in Busan. I was shit scared. But decided hey, this isn’t a date. We’re just going to hang out…and we did. It was a great evening, despite our initial awkwardness we ate delicious dinner, drove around listening to Big Bang (most awesome k-pop group ever), walked on the beach and looked at the lights…yes, it sounds extremely datey, doesn’t it. There were times when I had to catch myself and remember we had just met. But I think we were just comfortable. We still talk, and it’s a month later. Mainly just sending each other stupid .gifs.

Also, I told Princess about these apps a while back, and since she’s uploaded a Filtered Cleavage Pout pic, she gets lots of hits. She has also met some of these guys because they “talk everyday” and “have a connection”. She is by far the worst judge of character ever. Not that these guys were criminals or anything. One had no social skills but really wanted a “halfu” baby. Another “seduced” her by speaking Korean and Spanish, it was all so very romantic…and then buggered off to South America the next day. Next guy was probably the douchiest guy I’ve ever met in Korea/Japan (I was present when they met for the first time). And the last one seemed pretty decent (I was there again too, sigh) but never messaged again after meeting, except to say he got a job at Samsung.

I have since deleted the main app and my profile cos I was finding the people a bit too creepy for my liking. I’d find myself looking at all these people thinking, we’re in the same boat. We’re bored. We might not have the best social skills. I use my lonely location (and lack of people my age) as an excuse…but these people are within metres of each other and yet need to initiate conversation over an app. I guess these apps allow us be whoever we want to be…which is great and all, but in real life we don’t have filters.

Going out with a Bang

I recently put up a Facebook status and an ex-princess of mine from University days commented on it. Her comment was “lol”.

Why do people do this?????????

In pretty irrelevant news, I finally met my neighbour Museum. The guy who’s been living in the apartment under mine for the past two years, whom I thought was the boyfriend of another neighbour. I remember saying to someone, “Wow, one of my neighbours has a really hot boyfriend! He keeps visiting! I see him sometimes coming to the apartment!” Little did I know he actually lived there. FAIL.

Anyways, we had an apartment nomikai (飲み会). Nomikai means drinking party and it’s what Japanese people do to let loose off all you can eat/drink. So I pitched up and recognized the very strapping young man seated at the table was the elusive Museum.

33489861

Like this

So he works at a Museum – yes there are reasons for these weird nicknames. I was trying very hard to be gay, and I think North would have been proud of me. I ended up sitting with Museum’s elderly boss who showed me pictures of stray cats all evening. Museum caught me staring maybe twice. Luckily he was really drunk and probably didn’t think anything of it. Any girl with half a brain would have gone over to him and made chingus, but I didn’t. I looked at cats and commented about how delicious everything was.

Actually I really, really dislike cats.

Moving on… my northern chingu and I are going to Seoul for Golden Week. Golden Week is a string of public holidays that make up a whole week of fun times. I’ve been to Seoul once and can’t say I was as impressed as North was. I linger mostly in Busan, a city which I feel is super underrated. However, my Seoul experience was with Princess, and kind of sucked except for eating cheap hotdogs on the street at 2am. I don’t know what exactly were in those hotdogs, but I went with it and it was like a unicorn had pooped joy into a bread roll.

Um, ja, you know you were having issues when the most memorable thing about one of the most famous cities in Asia was a hotdog. So I’m willing to give Seoul another go. However, if you were following recent news, North Korea decided to declare nuclear war on South Korea and the US and whatnot. Again. This was a bit disturbing for people who have not been used to such things. In South Africa we couldn’t be bothered about nuclear war, whether it affects us or not. Seriously, we have our own stuff to deal with. Now living in Asia, it’s like eish! Our neighbours want to kill us!

33489861

Suddenly this looks a lot more sinister

Koreans I spoke to about it really don’t give a shit. They’ve kind of taken a “well I’d like to see you try, nerds” approach. I did worry about this just a bit, but what to do? I used to brag about my close proximity to Korea while living in the comfy cocoon that is Japan. Now it’s a bit awkward. North mentioned that if anything were to happen, Japan would be pretty fucked too. So it got me thinking about stuff.

Would it be weird, knowing that you were going to die, blatantly propositioning someone into having fun and possibly sexy times with you? Especially in Seoul, the number one target location? If I were to die in Seoul, I’d want to have soju in one hand and delicious chicken in the other. You know, or go out with a…bang. Yes. Make what you will of that. Surely the guy in question wouldn’t protest, I mean no one wants to die on the toilet or picking their nose. No. We want to enjoy. And if given the choice, I’m sure some people will think why not. Right?

Also we have one more Gayday left. Look how time flies. It was just the other day were were new to the gay world, confused, looking for clarity…and now we have grown in so many ways. It was kind of like doing an internship or something. Now we’re breaking free of the cocoon as we embark on our Golden Seoul trip, with a new perspective and wiser than before.

OK, maybe not…we’re still the same, maybe slightly more pathetic. I really wish I were gay. Now I just realised that my standards have lowered considerably and I make excuses for everything.

Anyway we’re not really going to do anything stupid (I hope) like driving a car off a cliff. But hopefully have something good to write about when we come back.

Or if…. (jk haha…)

またね!