S & N: Tipi pitching worthy Asian guys ft Ryan Gosling

It’s safe to assume that South and I are deprived women. There are no available men around us. I recently was introduced to a marginally good looking guy that was funny and charming. Girl, I pitched a tipi so hard. In that moment all I could think about were all the things I’d like to do to him. That was until I was introduced to his gf— the Japanese version of Barbie. And so I kept walking like Johnny Walker. Na mean.

It really sucks that there aren’t any guys worth perving on in our offices. Alas, we have to settle for pitching tipis on

this…

i recently discovered this hottie in 2am… who knew?

and this…

i’m hungry

Who are we to complain? There are people out there that are equally as deprived as we are that do not have access to the internet. First world problems. eish

Have you seen Rolling stone’s hottest sex symbols list yet?

guess who made the list!!!!

How does Rolling Stone even know about T.O.P.? Is it April fool’s day already? In my opinion, he’s the hottest man alive. But whenever they’ve compiled these hottest men alive lists, all the men tend to be American and very much Caucasian. I’m not trying to be controversial by insinuating that there is a certain degree of racial bias when compiling these lists. I’m just stating the facts. They rarely have Asian or black men on these lists.

not cool…not cool at all!!!

So we’ve decided to compile our own list.

be warned: panties could possibly drop on their own accord, or uncontrollable tipi pitching may occur.

Ryan Gosling(actor/ a man that every woman alive would die to marry)

itadakimasu

Why hasn’t he been announced as the hottest man alive? Have you not seen crazy stupid love? I’m so confused!!! And so is South? The world may not know the guys on our list but bloody hell!!!! Ryan is the hottest guy in North America. Come now, you need to get on it this year. There can only be two reasons that Ryan isn’t number one on your list. First, you’re jealous. Second, you have no interested in men. Both of these reasons would lead anyone to the conclusion that you are not qualified to make any hottest men alive list… ever!!!!

Ukwon(Block B dancer/ eye candy)

…  …   ….nom nom nom

I don’t know… I don’t know… but I’m hot. You know what… you know what… you know what I mean. oh yes we do. Fffffaaaaaq!! He’s hot. I’m not sure how many times I’ve watched the nalina video. I’m sure I’m responsible for at least a million views of that vid on youtube. I love him. When Block B went through all that shit with their former management and there were rumours of their break up. I was heartbroken. I thought I would never see his face ever again. That’s sad. That was until a few months ago when they made an ACTUAL comeback with “very good”. Okaeri. I literally died when he took off his clown mask in the very good MV. Thank you for coming back Block B. We missed you.

Osamu Mukai(Japanese actor: Hungry!!!, Paradise Kiss and Beck)

ek is nou honger

The first Japanese man to make my vajayjay go BOOOM. I remember when I first arrived in Japan. The ladies in my office could not shut up about this guy. I was like who is he? What does he do? Can I see a picture? They showed me a picture and I was like. I’ve seen hotter. I’m not sure if there was something in the water or if he brain washed me while I was watching atashinichi no danshi, but I am hooked. He has the nicest lips, and his smile… A girl could lose all sense of control if she ever saw that in person. Please don’t start a music career. That would instantly kill my tipi. My only negative is that I want to call him oppa. Oniisan sounds too creepy. Oppa, saranghe!!!

2PM(strippers/idols/fallen angels)

they shouldn’t wear anything ever

So far I’ve only mentioned individuals but there is no way I can have a sexy list and not include 2PM. It’s like some people not making Ryan number one. You just don’t do that. Can you believe that South just discovered how hot these guys were like two weeks ago. While hunting for kpop goods in koreatown she was like… is it just me or is 2PM hot?” I was like. Are you serious? I pitch tipis for these guys all the time. Every single member in this group has a hot body. I loved south’s reaction after she saw the A.D.T.O.Y music video. She was like: they should stop singing and just be strippers. I’m sorry but we need to raise the roof and give JYP a pat on the back. That was the best decision anyone had ever made in the kpop industry. Singing strippers. Genius.

CNU(B1A4’s rapper/ bespectacled hot man)

and i die…

Add some spectacles to a face of an angel and you have a Molotov cocktail. This guy is dynamite. So hot! Did you see the teaser clip for baby goodnight? Don’t! my eyes rolled back, and when I came too, I was on the floor with a huge knob on the back of my head. I wish that this face to wish me goodnight. every night!! I’ll just need to purchase a padded apartment.

(sorry i couldn’t find the eng sub)

Lee Joon(MBLAQ’s dancer/leg raiser)

“Oh Joon”. I feel like Oprah after she watched Australia. When she was totally crushing on Hugh Jackman, “oh Hugh”. We all knew that Oprah was pitching a major tipi for Hugh Jackman. I have to admit that I was pretty late to the Lee Joon party. I thought he had a nice face but that was it. Until I watched an MBLAQ interview on youtube. A fan wrote in to the show and asked him to do a dance move or something. And the next thing I know he’s lifting his leg in the air, with his hand holding his foot in the air.

(skip the interview… go to 03:15)

He was as flexible as a cat. I hate cats but that foot in the air did something to me. I started having feelings down south. Na mean. Talk about tipi-ing so hard that your nose bleeds.

Ki Kwang(B2ST’s visual/sex god)

and that’s how i fell in lust

I have to be honest. I’m not a big fan of B2st. i don’t even get what their name means or why they’re having trouble spelling beast. who knows or cares. I only know like one song. who cares about the music when there is a someone as hot as Ki Kwang in the group. damn. Ki Kwang be fine. How can anyone be this hot? when I stalk him on tumblr all I want to do is hump his face. no his arm. no his leg. maybe I just want to hump every part of his body. Ki Kwang you lift up your shirt and I …

clean up on aisle three

 

 

Zico(Block B Leader/ gangsta rapper)

ok ok ok

the only English words you know might be ok ok ok but that’s fine with me. his rapping makes my panties drop. He’s like the bad boy in the Kpop universe. The blonde hair, the devil may care attitude, and those long… long legs. There was a moment when he…let’s talk about the dreadlocks phase. And instead we should focus on his panty dropping points. 1. he’s a dope rapper. And would wipe the floor with any rapper. 2. he’s got swag. 3. he majored in art at uni. And probably paints naked in his free time. That’s hot!

Bang(B.A.P’s leader/ rapper/ do gooder)

as the great bruno mars once said: bang, will you marry me?

That deep voice. Those eyes. That smile. He is so manly, this is the kinda guy that I’ve been waiting for. If only I could call him oppa, but I’m older. Please call me noona, and I promise I’ll like it. not only is he hot but he’s an all round good guy. Nothing is more sexy than a guy that gets that there are people less fortunate than him, and he gets the awesomeness that was Nelson Mandela. I was watching a clip on youtube where the guys of B.A.P had to draw a pic of their ideal woman and he drew a pic of a chick with bigass wavy hair. Someone off screen told him to call out to her. He looked at the camera with his arms wide open and said, “come here”. I died. Ha-penis overload!!!!

Lee Minho(Korean actor: boys over flowers, the heirs and Faith)

Someone needs to dub him the gentleman of the kdrama universe. You know you’re going to enjoy any kdrama with Minho in it. He’s got the charm and wit to pull off any character (except heirs…I don’t want to talk about it…). I’m not sure if he should be on this tipi pitching list. I think he’s hot but in a respectful way. when I look at his face I wouldn’t say that I’m like a dog in heat. He’s just the kind of guy that makes you feel sexy. You know he’ll treat you just right. And that’s hot! Say yes to pitching a tipi for a guy that treats you with respect.

Rain(actor/singer/dancer/shirt ripper)

can you just imagine all the things he’d do to you???

I think that he’s the only Asian that most people know. Yes! Yes! Ninja assassin. That movie is like porn to me. I still don’t get why he wasn’t just shirtless from the beginning to the end. *shakes head* I wanted to exclude him from the list. Just to spite him. He’s was released from military duty just a few months ago and has yet to show us his bod. That’s rude! He had an amazing body before he did his service. So he must have jonged up. South is incessantly talking about how Koreans magically fill out after serving in the military. Let’s celebrate the fruits of your hard labour togezza, Rain.

T.O.P(Rapper/ actor/hottest man alive::: literally.)

I never thought i’d ever say this. but i’m super jealous of a wine glass

I still dream of carrying his blue haired babies minus the babies. This man looks good in anything. Blue hair, striking red suit, as a villain, wait… he looks terrible dressed up as a girl. Please delete those videos from youtube. Sankyu! I remember when I first caught sight of him, at the bob concert. I was so overwhelmed (with hormones) that I just stood there stunned. He’s actually hotter in real life. How that is even possible… I don’t know. I was so sad that I was too broke to purchase tickets to a BigBang concert. he just released Doom Dada, and that is a sick track. and he looks so good in the video. Sjoe, he blows how to make himself look good. He is the manliest man in the Kpop universe. But I think that Bang might give him a run for his money, someday. Let’s wait and see.

you’re welcome

Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Monkey

It’s been a long time since our last blog post, and we really have no excuses. Maybe our lives have not been exciting enough to write about?

Well recently I had the opportunity to visit a Japanese city for a business trip, and for me this is a big deal. I was pretty overwhelmed, as always in particular when it came to combinis (convenience stores). Yoh! They really stay open 24 hours! And you can pretty much get anything there, including disposable underwear and REAL melon-flavoured melon pan! People of the mainland, do not take your combinis for granted (that includes you, N).

Anyways, it was the weekend of Halloween and while my fellow foreigners went to a bash in the woods, I chose to go to a bar. I don’t do Halloween or woods. In SA, we don’t really go trick-or-treating and stuff (trust me…it won’t go down well) although you do get art students and the like dressing up as zombies and making like they’re bleeding for the night and drink a lot in the name of Halloween or Freddy Kruger. It just doesn’t appeal to me. Although usually, if push comes to shove I can find something in my cupboard I can pass off as a costume, which says a lot about my general dress sense.

So I ended up with Princess at a bar/club sort of thing with only Japanese and Koreans, who all seemed to be uni students. I don’t have much experience partying (or even socializing, for that matter) with young Japanese people, which is very sad, so I would have been extremely socially awkward if we hadn’t drank copious amounts of soju-beer-coke cocktail before arriving.

Anyways, I was pretty confident. We opened the door and were like, hello we come in peace. The people in there were a bit gobsmacked to see these two random foreign chicks.

The girls were all dressed in similar Lolita-style costumes that made me, in my tipsy state, really disturbed. I remember just staring at them all sitting in a row. To me, they looked confused, dumb, and a bit creepy. Eventually I actually asked a guy, “why are they all dressed alike?” to which he responded, “Oh, there’s only one costume shop in town.” I guess I tried to empathise after that.

As luck would have it, a Korean guy who Princess met on the internet and shagged in Korea happened to be at the party! I’m not making this shit up. And I actually mentioned this multi-lingual Casanova in a previous post. His good-looking yet douchey friend joined us, who spoke great English. Of course they loved Princess, because apparently word got around that she has an open-vagina policy. Whoops! Was that too bitchy and inappropriate? I don’t care. I’m also on a lot of flu medicine as I type this, and bitchiness may be a side-effect.

Anyways, after helping myself to the free tequila shots courtesy of these two dudes, I went outside to visit the combini and to sit outside the club and think about life.

Now since I was sitting alone on the steps in the dark, guys actually came up to chat, using the few bits of English they remembered from Junior High or whatever. Now I know it sounds dodgy – drunk foreign girl sitting alone outside a club. However, I’m pretty sure I didn’t look like a prostitute or anything. For one, I was eating an onigiri (rice ball) or something, and thinking about life, so I’m sure I looked pensive and intelligent with a love for Japanese combini snacks. Yes, I’m pretty sure…

Anyways, I don’t really remember what went on, but at some point a dude sat next to me. He looked really young and was extremely cute. He made some conversation and before I knew it, I grabbed his thigh, which was right next to mine.

Okay, before you judge me:

–       His thigh was right there

–       I was drunk

–       He was friendly and didn’t seem to mind

–       I’m extremely deprived

–       Holding onto his thigh stabilized me a bit

Basically … I was latched onto his thigh like a monkey. Like a sad, deprived foreign monkey. He was my banana. And the banana was speaking but I really don’t remember what was going on. It was just really comforting to just sit there gripping this strangers’ thigh. Whatever game I once had was long gone – this is what I had resorted to.

Think like a lady, act like a monkey.

This is probably the most appropriate gif for this post – ever.

After leaving him to visit the combini, I returned to the bar and he found me sitting in a chair. It seemed he remembered the magical thigh-gripping time we shared outside. He told me he was twelve years old. For a second I believed him, but turned out he was 21. Relief! Legal. Channeling my inner monkey yet again, I latched onto his arm, and he sat with me for the rest of the night, being amazed by the fact that I was foreign and maybe a bit animalistic.

Maybe I was being overly forward and reinforcing the stereotype that foreign girls are sluts or whatever. At that point I didn’t give a shit.

Tips for Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Monkey **

– Your grip should not be threatening or painful. Don’t attempt this if it’s Halloween and you’re dressed as that female version of Wolverine (forgot her name, sorry).

– Don’t drape yourself over him. Monkey grip ONLY!

– Monkey grip should not be accompanied by crazy eyes.

– Some banana conversation might break the ice if things are initially awkward

– Try not to grab…other things. Keep it classy. You’re a strong, sexy, classy monkey!

– Make sure you’re drunk confident!

**Results may vary

The perks of being an alcoholic

Gayly update: the road of the gay is a hard one to walk.

I went to a goukon (group date with equal numbers of both sexes) the other day. Many Japanese people meet their future significant others at goukons. Not that I was looking for my significant other. It was on my ‘to do list’. So when I was asked. I just had to do it. I have to confess that this event wasn’t very homosexual. But in my defence, my friend needed to fill seats, and I’m a good seat filler.

After one too many tequilas, I couldn’t stop laughing. So one dashing young man asked why I am so genki (cheerful / energetic). And I said ‘I don’t know, because of happiness.’ But my very Japanese, and very drunk friend thought she heard, ‘because of a penis.’ Luckily, their English was limited to hello and how are you? But my friend was friendly enough to translate it for them. Thus I became the pervert that likes peni.

If there was ever a point when I should’ve stopped drinking. I think that was it. Tequila hangovers are the worse. Never again! That’s what I said but I found myself doing body shots from some random guy’s belly button the following Saturday again. I’d never admit this to my mom but I think that I’ve become an alcoholic. Since coming to Japan, I find that I drink more. Thus my tolerance level has gone up over the last few years. I’ve powered up so much that I’m practically Super Saiyan.

When I first arrived in Japan one of my colleagues asked me if I was an avid drinker. At that time, I wouldn’t say that I liked or disliked it, and that’s what I told him. He said something that I’ll never forget, “there is nothing to do in this place. By the time you leave Japan, you will be an alcoholic.” I laughed thinking it would never happen to me. Present day: my fridge is stocked with beer, chuhais and wine. Just in case, I feel like one or the other. And when I’m running low, I can make a quick konbini run. In Japan, alcohol is readily available everywhere and at all hours. I love Japan, I really do.

Going home for Christmas was a real hoot!! I was sober for four days. A new record for me. On the fifth day, I was climbing the walls. My body didn’t understand what was going on… Where was its usual dose of alcohol? A shot or a beer would do. After a few drinks, I realized that I started to enjoy the company of my family more. See, alcohol brings families togezza.

There is so much rightness with being an alcoholic in Japan. 1. You’ll never be bored 2. You’ll sleep really well at night. On most nights anyway. 3. When things go badly at work, knowing that there is a cold beer waiting in your fridge really helps you get through the day. Your views on most issues will always clash, as a westerner you want to take a direct approach to solve problems whereas the Japanese way is through hierarchical discussions and documentation. Which is quite frustrating when the answer is simple: just do it my way?

4. Enkais, office drinking parties. Pouring drinks for your colleagues and bosses. Paying x amount for an all you can drink. Westerners can only dream of this. At these parties my colleagues get ugly drunk, they transform into creatures I’d never seen before. What happened to sweet natured Tanaka san, or my stoic buchou? Sigh. The shit that goes down at an enkai should stay at the enkai. My colleagues are always so surprised that I’m exactly the same person at work and at enkais. They always tell me that I’m a strong drinker. Bitches, I ain’t strong. I just refuse to show my true colours so ya’ll be talking about how crazy the foreigner was acting at the enkai on Monday. Nah ah… not on my watch.

5. Nomihoudais, drink as much as you like for a set amount for two hours. Yes, I be throwing those drinks back like they be lemonade. Booya!! This is why nomihoudais wouldn’t work because we can’t drink at an appropriate pace. Most restaurants offer all you can’t drink for two hours for a set price, and this is the time that I let loose. And go to the dark side— where I’m a sex kitten. Kkkkkk

what i think i look like when i’m drunk dancing:

Reality:

Do you really need a reason to drink? Back home we find excuses to party. So I find reasons to drink. I learnt a new Japanese word. Party time! I didn’t fuck up at work today.  Let’s party! The sun is shining. Yay! It’s my birthday!!! I might have moved countries but my reasons are still the same except now when I come home to an empty apartment it is enough of a reason to start drinking. Because I’m a grown up, bitch!!

Fun fact: a bad bottle of wine will not make your pasta taste better. Your pasta will just end up tasting like bad wine.

There are perks to becoming an alcoholic. You become more social, you become an amazing singer, and it makes you feel uber sexy. What’s wrong with drinking alcohol? I find the answers to most of life’s questions at the bottom of a bottle of wine. Although, alcoholism really gets in the way of gayism. When I’m intoxicated all I wanna do is have some sexism. I really should cut down on the drinking but then again, if I did, South and I would have nothing to laugh about.

Going out with a Bang

I recently put up a Facebook status and an ex-princess of mine from University days commented on it. Her comment was “lol”.

Why do people do this?????????

In pretty irrelevant news, I finally met my neighbour Museum. The guy who’s been living in the apartment under mine for the past two years, whom I thought was the boyfriend of another neighbour. I remember saying to someone, “Wow, one of my neighbours has a really hot boyfriend! He keeps visiting! I see him sometimes coming to the apartment!” Little did I know he actually lived there. FAIL.

Anyways, we had an apartment nomikai (飲み会). Nomikai means drinking party and it’s what Japanese people do to let loose off all you can eat/drink. So I pitched up and recognized the very strapping young man seated at the table was the elusive Museum.

Like this

So he works at a Museum – yes there are reasons for these weird nicknames. I was trying very hard to be gay, and I think North would have been proud of me. I ended up sitting with Museum’s elderly boss who showed me pictures of stray cats all evening. Museum caught me staring maybe twice. Luckily he was really drunk and probably didn’t think anything of it. Any girl with half a brain would have gone over to him and made chingus, but I didn’t. I looked at cats and commented about how delicious everything was.

Actually I really, really dislike cats.

Moving on… my northern chingu and I are going to Seoul for Golden Week. Golden Week is a string of public holidays that make up a whole week of fun times. I’ve been to Seoul once and can’t say I was as impressed as North was. I linger mostly in Busan, a city which I feel is super underrated. However, my Seoul experience was with Princess, and kind of sucked except for eating cheap hotdogs on the street at 2am. I don’t know what exactly were in those hotdogs, but I went with it and it was like a unicorn had pooped joy into a bread roll.

Um, ja, you know you were having issues when the most memorable thing about one of the most famous cities in Asia was a hotdog. So I’m willing to give Seoul another go. However, if you were following recent news, North Korea decided to declare nuclear war on South Korea and the US and whatnot. Again. This was a bit disturbing for people who have not been used to such things. In South Africa we couldn’t be bothered about nuclear war, whether it affects us or not. Seriously, we have our own stuff to deal with. Now living in Asia, it’s like eish! Our neighbours want to kill us!

Suddenly this looks a lot more sinister

Koreans I spoke to about it really don’t give a shit. They’ve kind of taken a “well I’d like to see you try, nerds” approach. I did worry about this just a bit, but what to do? I used to brag about my close proximity to Korea while living in the comfy cocoon that is Japan. Now it’s a bit awkward. North mentioned that if anything were to happen, Japan would be pretty fucked too. So it got me thinking about stuff.

Would it be weird, knowing that you were going to die, blatantly propositioning someone into having fun and possibly sexy times with you? Especially in Seoul, the number one target location? If I were to die in Seoul, I’d want to have soju in one hand and delicious chicken in the other. You know, or go out with a…bang. Yes. Make what you will of that. Surely the guy in question wouldn’t protest, I mean no one wants to die on the toilet or picking their nose. No. We want to enjoy. And if given the choice, I’m sure some people will think why not. Right?

Also we have one more Gayday left. Look how time flies. It was just the other day were were new to the gay world, confused, looking for clarity…and now we have grown in so many ways. It was kind of like doing an internship or something. Now we’re breaking free of the cocoon as we embark on our Golden Seoul trip, with a new perspective and wiser than before.

OK, maybe not…we’re still the same, maybe slightly more pathetic. I really wish I were gay. Now I just realised that my standards have lowered considerably and I make excuses for everything.

Anyway we’re not really going to do anything stupid (I hope) like driving a car off a cliff. But hopefully have something good to write about when we come back.

Or if…. (jk haha…)

またね！

kakpraat!!!!

Seriously,princess can go get fffffaaaaqqqq by centaurs!!! Why am I even friends with her? Thank god for katpraat. If it didn’t exist I don’t think South and I would find the funny of shitty situations. And we wouldn’t be able to laugh at the kak that our respective princesses get up to. Are you looking up “kak” in your dictionary? No need. I’ll put it into simple English for you: kak means shit, and praat means talk in Afrikaans. And what do South and I do best? we talk shit. And thus began our fruitful and quite addictive relationship with the chat app Kakaotalk. So we’ve dubbed the app “kakpraat”.

South and I both live in the inaka. The night life in our humble cities are usually dead around 9pm. I gets pretty depressing at times. So kp (kakpraat) really saved us from many lonely nights. It brought us togezza. That and our deep unfaltering love of Kpop. It’s kinda nice to have someone who’s on the same page as you. We stalk ppl on FB togezza. Laughing at epic fails togezza. We complain about princesses togezza. And perv on Taeyang, TOP, Rain, B.A.P togezza. Although we’ve given up the latter in hopes of becoming homosexual. Fighting!!!!

I just can’t imagine my life without kakpraat and South. No matter where we are in the world, we always message each other. Just the other day I didn’t get the my daily “good mourning” from South, and she didn’t reply to any of my messages either. I feared that someone kidnapped her, leaving her stranded in Uzbekistan without an iPhone. I know that sounds terrible, I didn’t mean to think such horrid thoughts but I was genuinely concerned for her cellphoneless state. Later, I was told that she just forgot her phone at home. On that dreadful day, we tried chatting on facebook but it just wasn’t the same. You need the kp emoticons. Without the emoticons, everything just comes across as abrasive. At least we continued to make many more epic fails.

We have made so many epic fails due to iPhone’s autocorrect function. As I’m sure, so does the rest of the world. Classic iphone fail: let’s get the he’ll out of here. But my favourite fail  ever was when South texted: you blow. What my chingu meant to type was “you know”. I think we joked about this one for weeks. It started with you blow and just evolved…

you blow

i don’t blow

i blow what you mean

i blow him

i’d like to blow him

somebody I use to blow.

we’re not exactly the most mature people you’d find in Japan. ah, I love this age of  autocorrect fails, because I’m in a good mood, I’ll share a few of my fav autocorrect fails, and our gayly lingo:

cutr   – cute

do cutr   – so cute

easy – waste

good mourning – good morning

for eels -for reals

jinja – really (hangul)

BoB – our nickname for Bigbang, it was originally my autocorrect fail

Oh my GD -our version of omg, GD being G-dragon from Bigbang because he’s our kpop god. I think it was originally a fail.

orz – … (need I explain?)

fffffaaaaaaqqqqqqq – (self explanatory /// stolen from Tokyo)

kkkkk – korean sniggering

ottoke – what should I do (Korean)

chingus4life – friends 4life

you na mean – you know what I mean (thanks B.A.P)

homosexy – that which is truly sexy

katok/ kakpraat – Kakaotalk

that’s all from the North back to you South in the studio.

Let’s eating chocolate cake togezza

Living in Japan is rough. I find myself longing for a man. Some might say I’m boy crazy. I can’t deny that it’s true. South and I will talk for hours about men. Men we’d seen in the club, kpop guys and even colleagues sometimes. There is nothing else to do in this town but perv on guys and fall in love in our heads.

My fav place on this planet (since I’ve had many opportunities to go out of space and found that aliens were not exactly to my liking) to perv on guys is in Seoul— the hottie mother land. Those guys know just how to dress. They look good from the front and equally as good from the back. I’m salivating just thinking about them. It was on my first visit to Seoul that I realized that I’m an ass girl. There is nothing sexier than a man with a nice ass. And in Seoul they spend hours in the gym or on the operating table chiseling those fine asses.

It’s a shame that we don’t live in South Korea. So we have to feast our eyes on men closer to home. Let me tell you about the guys that tickle our fancy.

Shots:

He lives in SK and is so cutr! Honestly, South talks about him all the time but she doesn’t have feelings for him. Or so she says. Then when this other bitch in sheep’s clothing tried to make the moves on him, she went all tiger on that bitch’s ass. But she has no romantic feelings for the guy but happily refers to him as her little bro. Their relationship seems a little incestuous if you ask me. Maybe I’m just reading the situation all wrong. You tell me.

Museum

This is South’s sexy neighbour. She rarely sees him. So to get them to interact a bit more we are always trying to concoct plans to get her into his apartment. We have yet to come up with one that could actually work. I like this guy a lot, haven’t seen a pic of him yet. But I’m all about easy access. He lives next door. It would be like a Nodame and Chiaki. Unless he’s more like Hannibal Lector then that would just be super awkward.

Touchback

South’s sexy colleague, married of course. But such a flirt. Even though he’s Japanese for some odd reason he likes skinship. Or he knows that she gets shy when he touches her back. He’s dangerous, and yet so so so HOT!!!! South reminds herself constantly that he goes to snack bars every weekend. Don’t worry, South is a strong girl. She won’t fall for his temptations. Fighting!

Tokyo

I want to ffffaaaaqqqqq his sense of humour. Tokyo is a friend of a friend. Because some things happened, we met and I fell in love with his dirty mouth. He’s a vulgar little fucker. He spends all day talking about penises and being tied up. I think he likes a good spanking too. His facebook status updates has the ability to change a super kak day into a fucken awesome one. South wants us to hook up but I’m not a big fan of rope burn.

Old crush 

My office lover, married of course. The funny thing is that he isn’t physically sexy but he has this aura of control. Like he’d know what to do between the sheets. I spent most of winter fantasizing about this man. Come on guys, I’m from a warmish country, and I needed something to warm these cold bones. Nothing got me hotter than when he called my name. Unlike the rest of my colleagues, he didn’t say “North san”, he just said “North”. His English is as dismal as my Japanese but we made it work.

Orange

A local university student I only see when I look like Tim Burton. I remember the first time I saw him. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He was riding his bicycle. And for some odd reason he smiled at me, and naturally I said, “Hello.” (Think Joey from Friends). Not my finest hour. But hey! We all have those awkward moments. Now whenever he sees me he says hello and winks but I have a feeling he’s mocking me. Bastard!

It’s fun to perv on guys and talk about them with a chingu. But at times it feels like we’re matchstick girls with no money looking at chocolate cakes through a display window. That’s just cruel. We want to eat cake too. Don’t we deserve some cake? Do sexy guys exist just to remind us that we’re poor and will never have even a little piece of chocolate cake?